Moment of Eternity

Five years.
It's been five years.
Five years, and no matter what they say, it doesn't get any easier.
Five years, and my life has been turned upside down so many times I have lost count.
One single moment, between four and six in the morning, has changed everything about the last five years.
Five years is an eternity, and it is yesterday, all at the same time.
Five years and I don't miss you any less or forget you aren't here, ever.
In five years I have tried to live without you; it is just something that has to be done.
Five years later I am twenty-two years old, and finally learning what it looks like to grow up. Alone. Without you.
Everyday of the last five years I have thought of you. Everyday.
I can't believe it has been five years...

gaping holes

on the phone with my dad:

[me]: dad! a filling fell out of my tooth!
[dad]: well i guess you better call the dentist.
[me]: i'm poor! i can't afford the dentist! isn't it going to be expensive to fix?
[dad]: it's not going to be inexpensive. but you gotta do what you gotta do.
[me]: you'd think these things would come with a lifetime guarantee or something! seriously!

hahahahhahahaha....

Commercial Break

The (other) blue screen of death told me that the satellite signal had been lost. Yeah, that's why I don't have satellite. I listened to the rain and thunder and tried not to panic. I love storms. Unless I'm alone. Add the being alone part to being alone in an unfamiliar house, and you've got quite a combination. I sent Jenn a text referring to the mild heart attack I was having, and she told me to chill out, it was just a passing storm. Good.

Sitting in the quiet allowed me to reflect back on the conversation I had with a friend over dinner last night. I hadn't seen this friend in a few months, and we had done a little catching up. It was fun, we laughed a lot, and then she told me that I sounded depressed. Ouch. I thought I had that one hidden pretty well. Am I? Do I even really know?

Last weekend I had four days off in a row. I didn't leave the house for the latter three of them. That wasn't such a good idea. Too much time alone allows for too much time inside my head. It was a rough few days. When I went back to work on Tuesday and added that stress to my current thoughts, it was a recipe for disaster. Tuesday night I thought I was going to die. Three hours of mild hysteria later and I came out alive. And breathing once again.

Yesterday I was driving home from work and I realized something. I have spent the last month or so worrying about what is going to happen in October. To move or not to move? To transfer or not to transfer? These have been my questions. They've made me prone to sleepless nights and moodiness at work. And then I realized: it's July. It's not October. Why worry now?

It is true that most, if not all, good things come to an end. It is true that change in inevitable. I always fear the end of a good thing because good things are so few sometimes. So why don't I just enjoy a good thing while it's still good. Yes. I will do that.

Weird how embracing a simple concept can change your outlook. The rest of my week was fun. I made the most of the great moments I had, and played around with Jenn on the new long lunch breaks we have since our hours got cut at work. I had fun without worrying about what work will be like when the fun moves 30 minutes south in a few months. I lived in the now. It's a new concept for me.

I'm learning. I'm learning to stop living in the past and worrying about the future. I'm learning that not everyone is the same, and that we all have something different to offer to each other. I'm learning to just let go and let loose, because not everything is always found in black in white. I'm embracing my shades of gray and having a great time while doing it.

And speaking of colors, my (other) blue screen of death just turned black. The signal's back. Now on to my regularly scheduled programming...

Remembering July

July is a painful month for me. It holds the hardest of my memories, and I never look forward to this month. This year is no exception, especially since I found out that my boss's mother also died in July. The knowledge of this led to a painful, yet much needed, conversation in my car the other day that leaves me wondering if I can survive July this year.

I have the day off on Monday. My friend at work took Monday off just because, and she told me that I should too. We turned a holiday weekend into a four-day vacation, and so far I am glad that we decided to do that. Add to it a new house with a big deck, another friend, and a bottle of tequila, and you will understand why the 4th of July continues to reign as my favorite holiday. But the silly fun is soon to come to an end.

My friend made me agree to letting her begin cleaning out my life this coming Monday. I have so much stuff that is related to emotions that I have refused to work through for the past five years. So much stuff that has stayed sealed in boxes so that I don't have to relive the past or talk about how anything makes me feel or why it hasn't healed. And she wants to go through it. She wants me to take it all out, deal with it, and then get over it. She has no idea what she is getting herself into.

I argued with her for quite a while over why in the world she would want to do this. She has only known me for a few months, and she wants to invite herself into my chaos? What is that about? She is determined to prove to me that real friends do exist, and that she wants to be one for me, starting with this daunting task. I am pretty confident that she will beat that concept into me if she has to. I often don't believe her. But if she wants to throw herself into the disaster of who I am, then so be it. Come on in, the door is open (sometimes).

In preparation for this event on Monday, I have tried to psych myself up for how much it might hurt. We have rules (don't judge me, don't fuss at me, don't make me cry) that I hope will help keep her strong, honest personality at bay, at least for a few hours. She is not at all soft, and I hope she realizes that I might need her to be.

This July might be even more painful than the previous four, simply for the fact that I am looking for a little closure. My friend tells me all the time that I am not healed, and that I need to be. That I am not happy, but that I can be. That I haven't dealt with things, and it's time to.

So here we go. A journey into the inside of my past and the inside of my heart. What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger, right? Let's hope I live through this one...

Bad Day

Wal-Mart. In Antioch. On a Sunday afternoon. With a 102 degree temp and some of the worst body aches in history. 45 minute wait on my prescription. Might have been one of the worst things I've ever experienced.

I just wanna feel better. I've had enough already.

Pondering

I've had three people tell me within the last 24 hours that I think too much. It's just been one of "those" weeks. There's a lot on my mind. I thought I would share.

#1: It is painful to suddenly realize that you've spent a lot of time mourning the loss of something that you never actually had to lose in the first place. Ouch.

#2: It is even more painful to mourn the loss of something you actually DID have. That's just downright heartbreaking.

#3: I have been spending a few years waiting for my life to start. Today, it occurred to me that, oh wait, it started without me. I better start living it.

#4: There is a period of life between realizing that you have to grow up and actually growing up. I've played around in that period of life for a little bit too long. It's time to grow up. It's been time.

#5: I have absolutely no idea what I want out of life. I have no idea what makes me happy, or how to live in what makes me happy. That frightens me. I've already wasted enough time.

#6: The best way to act out on irrational thoughts and ideas is to take it out on your hair. You can always repair damage done to your hair. You cannot repair damage done to your reputation, your job, your relationships, or your life. I have a drastic new hair color (or colors), and I feel like I've done enough damage for today. No need to quit my job or push away my friends, because I totally screwed up my hair. And I love it. Way to deal. Go me.

#7: It really, really is okay to let go and move on. It's time. It's been time. It's okay. It's OKAY.

Trust Me

"Thanks for listening. I love you and your hidden little heart."
"I love you too. And I really want to see you happy."
"You saying that makes me want to trust you."
"The fact that you don't yet just means that you need to trust people more."
"I have trust issues. I've was told one too many times that I wasn't worth it. It made me very distrusting."
"You ARE worth it. So there."

Weird how four little words can suddenly tilt your world back where it's no longer falling upside down. Weird how four little words can be all you've waited to hear for a really, really long time. Weird to know that at least for today, everything is going to be just fine. Or maybe, not so weird at all.