Go

Four months ago:

I asked God whether I should stay or go. He said go.

But I wasn't paying attention. He never said where.

Two months ago:

I'm told that I can't go where I wanted to go.

But I thought I was supposed to go. What now, God?
You weren't paying attention. I told you to go, but I didn't tell you where.

Three days ago:

"I don't want to stay here after you go."
"Where are you going to go?"
"I don't know, but I don't want to stay."
"The hardest thing for you to do would be to stay. That's why I think you should stay."

God, I thought I was supposed to go. Do You want me to stay?
No. I told you to go. I just didn't tell you where to go. I'll tell you. You don't have to stay. You are supposed to go. Just wait. I'll tell you where to go.

Today:

9 am: "Joy, we'd love to have you take this job. We're just as great over here as it is over there."

Wait. Did she just offer me a job? But I love my job. Don't I? For the next month at least...

11 am: "We've cut your hours. You don't need to come in today. Hopefully this is temporary."

What is going on?

11:30 am: "She offered me that job this morning. I need to know if I should take it. I need to know if it's going to get any better or if I should take it."

"I don't want you to leave. But you need to do what's best for you."

Seriously, God? I didn't want to go right now. I wanted to go in a month. Please don't make me go yet. Please. Why didn't she fight for me? What happened? Why did it change? Why couldn't things stay the way they were? Why?

I don't want to take this job. Is this really where You wanted me to go?

Silence.

-----------------------------------------

I got a job offer today. I hate job offers. I really hate job offers when my current job is unsure and I know everything is about to change. I have no idea what to do. I didn't want a job offer right now, I wanted one in October.

It broke my heart. I cried all day. Fear of the unknown. Hatred of change. Feeling out of control.

Not the way I like to live.

Angry

I find it odd that the emotion that caused me to stop going to church five months ago is the exact same emotion that drove me back to church this weekend. I didn't know that the two extremes of this emotion would send me two opposite directions. It is one of the most powerful, controlling emotions that we ever deal with. That emotion is anger.

I was angry this past spring. Angry at my pastor for hurting me so deeply. Angry at the people of the church for not being as real as I thought they were. Angry at God for the things He took away from me. Angry at the people in my life for not being what I needed them to be. Angry at myself that my life wasn't turning out the way I wanted it to.

My anger grew as the seasons turned. The hotter it got outside, the hotter I became on the inside. I was angry that even though I walked away, no one had come after me. I was angry that no one tried to stop me from making the decisions I was making, especially if they were wrong. I was mad that no one was asking questions anymore. I got even more angry at God, because I didn't know how to talk to Him anymore. He was gone. He didn't come after me, either. I was just. so. angry.

But recently, the anger has changed. Now I'm angry at myself for believing the lies I was told. I'm angry that I thought there was only one "right" way to live, because I don't know if that is the truth. I'm angry that I no longer know what's true. I'm angry that I'm having such a good time living this way, because I thought it was supposed to make me miserable and it hasn't. I don't understand anymore, and I don't know where to find the answers. I'm still so angry.

So tonight, the anger drove me back to where it began. Back to the God who gave me the ability to feel this emotion. Were my questions answered? No. Did I find the truth? No. I didn't really find much of anything. So why am I writing about it? To share what I do know.

God doesn't change, even when we do. God doesn't walk away, even when we do. God doesn't stop speaking to us, even when we stand in silence before Him. God gave us the capabilities to ask questions, and somewhere out there He left the answers.

So tonight, I could still hear Him whisper. I could still hear Him say "I love you" and "I'm waiting for you". I found out that He is still right in front of me, no matter how far or how fast I run away. And tonight, that's enough for me.

I'm searching for the truth. I know it's out there somewhere. Pray for me? Thanks.

Missing

One of my favorite things about God is that He often gives us gifts that we never would have expected. There have been times in my life that God has given me something that I had no idea I needed until after I got it, and by then I was sure that I never could have lived without it. These things are special because I didn't know they were missing until they suddenly were there. I didn't know I needed them, but He did. These things are usually people. You are a great example of that. I could think of a few more, too. But today, I am especially grateful for YOU. You are one of these gifts, and I would not be who I am today if you hadn't of been here.

Because of you, I have finally figured out who I am. When I forget, you tell me. You are a brutally honest person, even more so than me, but you learned quickly that you can't say things that hurt until I trust you. You know how sensitive I really am, but you also know that I know how to be tough, too. You know how hard it is for me to trust, and you are patient when I change my mind over and over again about trusting you. You just wait patiently for me to realize that you haven't gone anywhere, and you probably never will.

You saw through me long before I knew you did, only because you once were me. That's why you want the best for me. You make me see exactly what I am capable of, and you won't let me settle for anything less even if I want to. You push. Often I push back, but you don't back down.

You let me whine and be a baby when I need to be, and you take care of me better than anyone else ever has. I think it's because you know that I can take care of myself, but sometimes I just don't want to. And you truly don't mind doing it for me. Our co-workers think I'm spoiled. You know I am, and you don't care.

I love spending time with you, no matter what we're doing. I love coming over to your house, because it is safe and comfortable and nothing harmful can reach me out there. I love that you know how important it is to me that you pay attention to me sometimes. I love that we can read each other like books, and I love that it confuses and frustrates everyone around us. I love long lunches and late work days with you. Even if we can't act like we're friends at work. I love that you know how important it is to me to be touched, and that even though it makes you feel claustrophobic you will reach over and touch me to comfort me when I need it. You know that a touch forgives a harsh word and calms an anxious mind. You know.

You've taught me how to act, and I've taught you how to talk. You know that talking fixes things for me, and so you pry my real feelings out of me. You force me to communicate. And I make you talk about how you feel. We trust each others' words, and that is more valuable than anything else.

You make me be the best me that there is. You make me be a grown-up, but you don't leave me to figure out how to do that on my own. You push me, and you know that I don't really hate you for it, even though I say that I do. You want great things for me, and you are helping me get them. We conspire often to achieve the things we want the way we want them, and it always works. I love that. It makes me laugh. If only they really knew the things we were up to...

I love you. I tell you this often, but I mean it with all my heart. I wouldn't be who I am without you, and what I love the most is that I didn't even know I was missing you until suddenly you were there. And now I couldn't imagine living without you. Weird how that works, huh?

Moment of Eternity

Five years.
It's been five years.
Five years, and no matter what they say, it doesn't get any easier.
Five years, and my life has been turned upside down so many times I have lost count.
One single moment, between four and six in the morning, has changed everything about the last five years.
Five years is an eternity, and it is yesterday, all at the same time.
Five years and I don't miss you any less or forget you aren't here, ever.
In five years I have tried to live without you; it is just something that has to be done.
Five years later I am twenty-two years old, and finally learning what it looks like to grow up. Alone. Without you.
Everyday of the last five years I have thought of you. Everyday.
I can't believe it has been five years...

gaping holes

on the phone with my dad:

[me]: dad! a filling fell out of my tooth!
[dad]: well i guess you better call the dentist.
[me]: i'm poor! i can't afford the dentist! isn't it going to be expensive to fix?
[dad]: it's not going to be inexpensive. but you gotta do what you gotta do.
[me]: you'd think these things would come with a lifetime guarantee or something! seriously!

hahahahhahahaha....

Commercial Break

The (other) blue screen of death told me that the satellite signal had been lost. Yeah, that's why I don't have satellite. I listened to the rain and thunder and tried not to panic. I love storms. Unless I'm alone. Add the being alone part to being alone in an unfamiliar house, and you've got quite a combination. I sent Jenn a text referring to the mild heart attack I was having, and she told me to chill out, it was just a passing storm. Good.

Sitting in the quiet allowed me to reflect back on the conversation I had with a friend over dinner last night. I hadn't seen this friend in a few months, and we had done a little catching up. It was fun, we laughed a lot, and then she told me that I sounded depressed. Ouch. I thought I had that one hidden pretty well. Am I? Do I even really know?

Last weekend I had four days off in a row. I didn't leave the house for the latter three of them. That wasn't such a good idea. Too much time alone allows for too much time inside my head. It was a rough few days. When I went back to work on Tuesday and added that stress to my current thoughts, it was a recipe for disaster. Tuesday night I thought I was going to die. Three hours of mild hysteria later and I came out alive. And breathing once again.

Yesterday I was driving home from work and I realized something. I have spent the last month or so worrying about what is going to happen in October. To move or not to move? To transfer or not to transfer? These have been my questions. They've made me prone to sleepless nights and moodiness at work. And then I realized: it's July. It's not October. Why worry now?

It is true that most, if not all, good things come to an end. It is true that change in inevitable. I always fear the end of a good thing because good things are so few sometimes. So why don't I just enjoy a good thing while it's still good. Yes. I will do that.

Weird how embracing a simple concept can change your outlook. The rest of my week was fun. I made the most of the great moments I had, and played around with Jenn on the new long lunch breaks we have since our hours got cut at work. I had fun without worrying about what work will be like when the fun moves 30 minutes south in a few months. I lived in the now. It's a new concept for me.

I'm learning. I'm learning to stop living in the past and worrying about the future. I'm learning that not everyone is the same, and that we all have something different to offer to each other. I'm learning to just let go and let loose, because not everything is always found in black in white. I'm embracing my shades of gray and having a great time while doing it.

And speaking of colors, my (other) blue screen of death just turned black. The signal's back. Now on to my regularly scheduled programming...

Remembering July

July is a painful month for me. It holds the hardest of my memories, and I never look forward to this month. This year is no exception, especially since I found out that my boss's mother also died in July. The knowledge of this led to a painful, yet much needed, conversation in my car the other day that leaves me wondering if I can survive July this year.

I have the day off on Monday. My friend at work took Monday off just because, and she told me that I should too. We turned a holiday weekend into a four-day vacation, and so far I am glad that we decided to do that. Add to it a new house with a big deck, another friend, and a bottle of tequila, and you will understand why the 4th of July continues to reign as my favorite holiday. But the silly fun is soon to come to an end.

My friend made me agree to letting her begin cleaning out my life this coming Monday. I have so much stuff that is related to emotions that I have refused to work through for the past five years. So much stuff that has stayed sealed in boxes so that I don't have to relive the past or talk about how anything makes me feel or why it hasn't healed. And she wants to go through it. She wants me to take it all out, deal with it, and then get over it. She has no idea what she is getting herself into.

I argued with her for quite a while over why in the world she would want to do this. She has only known me for a few months, and she wants to invite herself into my chaos? What is that about? She is determined to prove to me that real friends do exist, and that she wants to be one for me, starting with this daunting task. I am pretty confident that she will beat that concept into me if she has to. I often don't believe her. But if she wants to throw herself into the disaster of who I am, then so be it. Come on in, the door is open (sometimes).

In preparation for this event on Monday, I have tried to psych myself up for how much it might hurt. We have rules (don't judge me, don't fuss at me, don't make me cry) that I hope will help keep her strong, honest personality at bay, at least for a few hours. She is not at all soft, and I hope she realizes that I might need her to be.

This July might be even more painful than the previous four, simply for the fact that I am looking for a little closure. My friend tells me all the time that I am not healed, and that I need to be. That I am not happy, but that I can be. That I haven't dealt with things, and it's time to.

So here we go. A journey into the inside of my past and the inside of my heart. What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger, right? Let's hope I live through this one...