A Case of Cabin Fever

I have been restless lately. The kind of restless where I have a hard time going to bed because I feel like I have better things to do, and I have a hard time going to work because I feel like my days have more purpose than what I am currently using them for. It could be the change in the weather, because cold weather makes me feel cooped up, especially when it's dark by 5pm. Or, it could be the fact that a week and a half ago the unmistakable voice of God told me that He was about to ask me to totally quit my job. Possibly without a reason why. Yeah, that's probably it.

I've never been much of a jumper. I'm more of the baby steps type. Probably because I have everlasting trust issues. Why in the world would I just obey and quit my job without a plan? Why should I think that God might have something big planned that He couldn't just show me BEFORE I quit? Yeah, I don't know. I have no idea what God has in store for me. I just know that I'm praying hard that I hear Him when He tells me what to do. I'm ready to go. I'm ready for something different. I'm bored and restless. I know God's got something important for me, I just pray that I can obey, even regardless of what everyone else would have to say. He is all I need. He has become enough for me.

On a lighter note, I had a major mom moment today. In the chaos of putting the baby in the car and finding the keys and all that jazz this afternoon to go get Ashton from school, I some how forgot to put shoes on. So I, being the Tennessee born-and-bred girl that I am, went into kindergarten to get Ashton with my slippers on. At least he's still too young to be embarrassed by me.

Yeah, I'm ready for a career change. I'm praying. I'm seeking. Feel free to join in.

Help Me Believe In Me...

Last night after I came home crying my friend Leif told me that if I wanted something bad enough, I wouldn't let anyone stand in the way. And while I think that's true, I think it might be different when it's your parent. The person who once many years ago told you that you could do anything you wanted to do, and then twenty years later changed their mind.

Life with my dad since my mom died has been difficult. He resented me for so long, and once he had the chance to express all those years of pent up resentment, he made up for lost time. He has continuously convinced me to give up my dreams, one by one, by telling me that I can never accomplish them. He refuses to give me his support in anything, including my upcoming trip to Brazil (which breaks my heart). He thinks my ideas are rash and not thought through. I had to hang up on him last night because I started crying, and I knew he would yell at me if he heard me cry. He has taught me to hide my emotions.

It's really very hard to go after something you want when the one person who is supposed to support you in everything you do refuses to believe in you. Because no one since my mom has believed in me, I seem to have lost the ability to believe in myself. This morning when I woke up, I think I lost interest in chasing this dream. I feel like yesterday didn't even happen.

I want to make him proud, just once. I don't know why, because he really doesn't even deserve that. I just do. I want him to think that just maybe I could accomplish something. I want him to think that so that I can think that. I need him to help me believe in me. Instead, I was forced to tell him to forget that I ever said anything, and then quietly hang up. And as I fell asleep last night, I seemed to have quietly hung up my latest attempt at going after my dreams, too.

Maybe one day I'll have the strength to walk through that wall. Yesterday was not that day. May Jesus teach me to believe in myself. I know He believes in me...