November

When I came home and took off my sweatshirt, I noticed that I smelled distinctly of two things. Grease and cigarettes. Two comforting things. I knew it would be important to find something comforting after my unsettling evening; I hate coming home and regretting where I've been and what I've said. I tried hard to see past my mood, to deny the things bubbling out of me, but it wasn't with much success. Today just wasn't a good day. It's been a while since I've had a good day. It's November.

I have no idea how I'm going to stomach even the idea of tomorrow, even the idea of a family holiday. Every year I seem to get a little more disconnected, a little more unaffected. I wish I knew how many more years it was going to take before going home from work for a holiday weekend doesn't make me cry. I wish I knew how much longer it is going to take before I adjust to being alone on the days no one should.

There aren't words for how it feels to have no one to spend holidays with. So I have to take comfort in the familiar. In the feel of the cool winter air on my bare skin. In the sound of the traffic far away on a clear night. In the sight of the stars, shining with glimmers of hope. In the smells on my clothes, the smells of things that taste good and calm my soul. The peace is found there, in the tiny things found by my senses, and for that I am thankful. After all, it is the day to be thankful, right?

You Know What I Mean...

You know those mornings when you wake up, and you really don't want to do it again today?
You know when you don't know how you'll get through the whole day in one piece?
You know when you end up being late for work, and you wonder why you even bothered?
You know when your phone goes off, and one of you friends wants to know how you are, and you don't really know what to say?
You know when the morning drags and it feels like the day might never end?

You know when you get those random text messages from someone you rarely see, and they want to hang out after work?
You know when you suddenly feel wanted?
You know how good it feels when you get a random visitor at lunch, who just stopped by to see you?
You know how good it feels when someone buys you dinner, just to be nice?
You know how good it feels to hang out with someone who likes to be around you and makes you laugh?

You know those times when you realize that God knows exactly what you need, when you need it, and you notice He never fails to deliver?

You know those nights when you realize that you're going to be okay?

Yeah....I'm going to be okay....