New Life Take 3...

It seems there has been a trend lately among my friends of getting new jobs. Each person I know that has started a new job lately has made the initial announcement with great excitement and anticipation behind it. I, of course, can be no exception. I accepted a new job offer yesterday, and will be quitting my current job tomorrow promptly at 1pm (hopefully). Everyone I have told, I have told with great enthusiasm. I am excited at the prospect of starting yet another thing in my life over again. It seems to be the year for that.

Something in me, though, wonders if I am the only one that is also a bit apprehensive about starting something new. I am a little afraid of leaving what has become way too comfortable for me, and I am afraid of giving up how great I've got it right now. I will be working with all new people (capable of adult conversation!), under an all new set of rules and reguations (don't really know what those are anymore). The good news is I set my own schedule (I had been waiting for that offer), and I will always have work (a problem for me as of late). Yet, something in me still feels the need to be cautious.

So, I give this news with excitement about another new thing in my life to add to the new me. Don't be fooled by my enthusiasm, though. I am definitely apprehensive. I definitely don't know what to expect. I'm just taking the next step. I'm practicing letting go, starting with the prying off of the twenty fingers and twenty toes that have been wrapped around my heart and life for the last 17 months. I hope I'm not the only one that is nervous about a new job. I hope all the excited friends I have encountered lately were a little afraid, too. I think it's ok for a new job to be a little scary. Tell me I'm not the only one...

Forgive Regret...

I am grateful for second chances. They are good for starting over and they are good for trying to do things right, or better, the second time. The other night I sat in church and talked to Jesus for a little bit about learning to forgive myself. I just recently realized that though I tend to be bitter towards people who hurt me or others, I am actually way more unforgiving towards myself. I have done a lot of screwing up in the last few years, and again, I am grateful for second chances. I am learning to start again with how I live my life and how I love God and others.

I still have a problem, though. As much as I am glad for second chances, sometimes I still wish I could take my first chance over again. Mostly in the area of my relationships with other people. I have approached the friendships I have formed in the last few years with a slightly (very) jaded point of view. I haven't had healthy relationships because I didn't know what that meant. And that has left me now with much guilt and regret over how I have treated the people I love the most over the past few years. I wish very much that I could meet all of them all over again, and love them and be loved by them in a healthy, constructive way. God blessed me with great people, but I had no idea how to love and appreciate them the right way until now.

Unfortunately, my first chances are over. I must burn my bridges and let things collapse inside myself that I have been trying to hold up on my own strength for way too long. My hope is that maybe I can rebuild some of what I tear down on a newer, stronger foundation. This has already happened a few times, and these are the relationships that are sweetest to my soul. But if I can't repair the relationships that have crumbled, then I will clear the space to be filled with new things and new people. To be filled with second chances.

I am very happy with the person I am now becoming. I am surprising myself at the goodness I am finding within, but I know that every ounce of it is coming from Him. I will keep learning, and I will keep growing. I will keep taking my second chances, and use them to become who I want to be. I will learn to forgive myself, and I will learn to let my heart be softer. I thank God every day for the oppourtunity to start over. I just hope I can do it better this time...

Lest You Forget...

This afternoon I was sitting in the kitchen with the boys watching Blues Clues. They were both eating cheetos as their after lunch snack (yes, there is such a thing), and I was eating green beans. I never really ate cheetos as a kid, and it had probably been at least a year since I had had some, but for some reason they smelled really good. So, when Blaine wasn't looking I grabbed the bag and took a handful. They were incredible. The first thought I had was, "wow, I definitely forgot how good cheetos are". So we spent the next half hour bonding over Blues Clues and cheetos.

Now being as I rarely write about silly things such as food, you are all probably now wondering why I would have so much to say about cheetos. But wait, there is a purpose....ready?

This week Jesus has been giving me strange glimpses into people's secret lives that I really had no desire to glimpse upon. I have found out things I didn't particularly want to know about people that I am not particularly close to. It's been strange, but it has it's meaning. Just like remembering how good cheetos are, Jesus wants me to remember the things He has whispered into my heart. He wants me to remember that I am not the only one with dark, ugly parts inside of me. He wants me to remember that I don't have to hide, because my secrets just make me more human and easier to relate to. But the most important thing He wants me to remember is that He has already covered all of my sins, and all of the sins of others that I have seen the past few days.

Ok, of course, we all know that He died for our sins, right? I've known that for a long time, but I think maybe I forget exactly what that means. I think sometimes I forget just WHAT He did for me. He knew that I would screw up. He knew that my sins would mess with who I am and mess with who I thought He was. And yet, He took them anyways. They are covered, every single one of them. We cannot forget that. I don't ever WANT to forget that.

So now that I am sure that Jesus is not angry, and now that I am sure that all has been forgiven and that He has turned my shame to praise, I must practice remembering. I must not forget what He has done for me, what He has done for us, and how much He loves me and still wants to use me. The only way to stay safe and unafraid is to keep remembering.

God is good, yes? And so are cheetos. Don't forget it.

"Only take care, and keep your soul diligently, lest you forget the things that your eyes have seen, and lest they depart from your heart all the days of your life."
-Deuteronomy 4:9

*photo by somethingstartedcrazyy

Remember to Breathe Part 3: You Must Keep Going

After a string of hard, terrifying days, tonight I thank Jesus that today was an easier one. The hard part is not over, but He knew I needed a break. Thank You, Lord.

I am lucky to have discovered a few things about this battle inside myself thus far in my journey, and I thought I'd share.

1. My mind is my own worst enemy.
2. Everything is usually ok in the daylight. After dark, not so much.
3. Staying busy is better than having empty time.
4. Sleeping is important. Whenever, Wherever.
5. Eating is, too. I've lost 15 pounds.
6. My friends truly want to help. I don't know why I can't be convinced of this.
7. It is really ok to ask for help when I need it. The people who really care won't be scared away. Even when I pass out in their doorway :)

This is hard, I won't lie. Harder than anything I've ever experienced. I'm out of control, and I can't help it. But I know I have to keep going, and I know eventually it won't be this hard. I'm just striving hard to not turn back. I'm reaching out for something solid when I think I'm about to sink. That's all I know to do. That's all I can do. I appreciate your prayers...

Remember To Breathe Part 2: You May Be Shattered

I am not much of a crier. It seems that at some point in my teenage years I was hardened by life, and I now find very little worth crying about. I have encountered a few tragedies in my short life, and it makes the smaller things seem silly to be sad about. Lately, that doesn't seem to be the case anymore.

I was not aware that after the decision I made the other day that my body and my mind would soon wage war against each other. I am currently marvelling at the power of the human body, at just how much you can mess it up and just how hard it is to fix it. While this is currently a great part of my battle, it seems that I no longer have any control over my emotions, either. Overnight, it seems, I became a crier. And I don't just mean shedding a little tear at the Hallmark commercials. I mean completely break down and sob uncontrollably crying, typically with little or no warning. I know I have surprised at least two people this week by suddenly falling on them and weeping, but it seems I can't do anything about it. My pain is great, and I've smiled in spite of that one too many times. Every tear I've never shed apparently must come out before I can heal. Bring it on.

As much as this battle completely sucks, and as much as I know that it will get worse before it gets better, I also know that it will be worth it in the end. I am walking through fire, not over or around but through, and I am refusing to turn back. I know that I can fight this, I know that I am stronger than it is, and I know that despite how hot it is I will come out whole. No longer cracked, shattered, or missing a few pieces, but whole.

Last night I read in Psalms that He has our tears in a bottle. I love that picture. To me, that means that He is sitting next to me every time I break apart, and He is catching every tear. He's giving me what I need to keep going, and He's leaving me little gifts to keep my spirits up. It's been seven days. Let's go for eight.

Remember to Breathe Part 1: You Are Stronger Than You Think

I was laying on the couch in the sunshine, listening to both the baby monitor and the distant sounds coming through the open window. It was a gorgeous day, but despite the warm breeze blowing in, my own fear was causing me to shiver. I knew it was coming, I felt it deep inside of me, and there was little I could do to prevent it.

Sure enough, a few seconds later I both felt and heard a shift inside of my body. My breathing became more labored before I had time to think about trying to control it. I began talking to myself, trying to remember to breathe in, breathe out, but it wasn't more than a few breaths later that the fear took over. I no longer had control of how quickly I was breathing, and I was pretty sure that the room was caving in around me. Everything started to go fuzzy, and tears began to stream down my face. Breathe in, Breathe out. I kept thinking about how sorry I was, and yet how I would have to suffer my consequences anyways, and that really wasn't helping. In the midst of the panic, I suddenly wondered if I would survive this one. Breathe in, Breathe out. I wasn't getting air. I leaned forward so I wouldn't fall off the couch when it all went dark.

It ran through my mind who I could call to calm me down, but by that point I couldn't see where the phone was. Breathe in, Breathe out. What if Benjamin wakes up? I can't take care of him right now. God, please let that baby keep sleeping. There has got to be a way out of this. God, please save me this time. Breathe in, Breathe out. I got dizzier, and the fuzz around the edges of the light came together in the middle. I stopped breathing. My heart felt like it might burst. I felt like it might not end this time. I fell forward. It went dark.

I don't know how long it lasted, and I don't know how long it was dark. When I opened my eyes and laid back down on my back, I was ok. My breathing had returned to normal, and I knew that I had survived another one. I don't know how many more there will be before it is finished. I'm just trying to hold on. One day at a time, one hour at a time, one moment at a time. I'm holding fast to the hope that I am stronger than it, and that I can beat it. I can do this. I can. Breathe in, Breathe out.