Tonight I had a sudden, impromptu chance to visit a dear friend that I hadn't seen since her wedding nearly five years ago. I found her on facebook a few weeks ago (oh, technology) and was excited to finally have the chance to see her again. It had been too long.
We worked together when I was still in high school, and she was a little over my age now. Those were fun, carefree days that include more laughs, pranks, and strange occurrences than I can ever remember. My memories of her are very fond, and she is someone that has stayed on my mind through the years we haven't spoken.
She is special to me not only because of the fun times we shared, but because of the trip we took to hell and back together. The trip during which she held me, and held me down. She sat next to me (or under me, depending on how hard the day) while my mother lay in the hospital dying. She knew my heart, and she was the only one I would let hold me when I would finally let go and cry. She loved my mom, and she loved me, and that love has always stayed with me. Even through five years. Five long, hard years.
So when I saw her tonight, it was hard to know where to begin. Hard to know which stories to tell, hard to know which events were significant enough to share. Hard to remember what happened when, hard to describe how things felt when they happened. Hard to know when it went wrong, hard to pretend like it's always stayed good. Hard. Just hard.
As I thought about this tonight on my way home, I realized that maybe this is something that more people than just me struggle with. Wondering when it all went wrong. Wondering when good went bad, and when darkness fell. Wondering at what point I became no longer whole, but damaged instead.
I've been trying hard to fix myself lately. Doctors, medicines, changes in attitude and thinking; whatever it takes to fix me. A good friend recently told me that I didn't need to fix myself, because I wasn't broken. She said that I was simply learning and discovering and growing, and I just don't know how much of that makes sense to me right now. I know I'm not broken, But I'm damaged.
So when I wonder where it went wrong, when I could actually look back and see that everything in my life had gone wrong, I wonder how I can reverse it. How I can "fix" it. And that part...I know deep down that that part isn't broken either. It's dark, and it's hard, but maybe it is just damaged, too. Just like me. Maybe life is just a beautiful disaster, and maybe I wouldn't change a thing. Maybe it's made me who I am. Maybe it's helped God to change the heart He has given me. Maybe it's opened my eyes.
Maybe a lot has gone wrong, and maybe it seems like nothing is right, but maybe, just maybe I've done the best that I can. And maybe that is enough.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Still Holding On...
I paced back and forth through the room, angry and broken and screaming. Every few minutes I would stop and fall on my knees, and cry out and plead. I couldn’t make sense of it. I couldn’t bear the thought of it. So I know that you couldn’t, either. My heart is intertwined with yours, and yours with mine, and it has been that way for a while now. You worry about me, and I used to tell you not to, but I don’t do that anymore. Because I worry about you, and if you didn’t let me I would get mad. So when your life is falling apart in front of our eyes, my heart breaks with yours. That’s just how I work.
I’m falling apart/Barely breathing/With a broken heart/That’s still beating
It was halfway through my day of tears and loss of hope that something occurred to me that should have occurred to me weeks ago. There was no way you were going to take this step alone. I was so afraid that you wouldn’t let me be there with you, that you would be your independent self, but when I told you that I took the day off to be there, you didn’t argue with me. That surprised me. I don’t know if the idea of me being next to you that day was more for you or for me, but it doesn’t matter. I’m just so glad you let me be there.
I knew I looked like hell when I came to ask you if you were sure. I know I probably looked like hell that morning, too. Coffee in hand, here comes the test of true faith. We threw things in boxes, we joked and we tried to do anything we could to keep from breaking down. And when you walked into his room, into the room where you have laughed and cried and rocked and read and been filled with more emotion than any heart other than a mother’s can hold, and you started looking for what you needed to take, I knew that it was over. I had to look away from you because the pain written all over you was so blinding that it hurt my eyes. I was strong enough through that one to let you break, and kiss you on the cheek when you were done. It was going to be okay.
I’ve known for a long time that you wouldn’t be able to walk out the front door without completely losing it. That’s what I saw in my mind when I knew I needed to take the day off. And you did. You lost it. And we walked out the door, and we walked to our cars, and I had to turn around. I had to face the other way. Because I broke for you, and I didn’t want you to see. I got in line behind the moving truck, and you led. And we drove. And we cried, and we drove.
“Do not be afraid and do not be dismayed at this great horde, for the battle is not yours but God’s. You will not need to fight in this battle. Stand firm, hold your position, and see the salvation of the LORD on your behalf, O Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid and do not be dismayed.”
When we got there, you were excited to show me the house. You asked me over and over if the house was ok. It’s perfect, for what it is. When everything was moved in, when it was over and done with, that’s when I needed you to let me hold you. And you did. Just for a moment. And we sat, and we cried and we questioned, and all I could think of was redemption. It’s just within your reach. And my love for you seemed to grow by the hour.
If I lay here/If I just lay here/Would you lie with me and just forget the world
The conversations we had at lunch were conversations that God put in place before either one of us were created. He wants you to know how loved you are. He wants you to know how much you’re worth, and how you deserve much greater things than you could ever even imagine. He wants you to know that the mistakes, the heartache, the regrets, and the guilt are not things that His children are supposed to have. He wants you to put them on Him, instead. He’s holding you. Stop fighting his embrace.
Getting in my car and leaving you there was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I knew I needed to go, but the very idea of the pain that was coming to you was not one that I could tolerate. I told you that God would break your heart open, and as you are finding out, it is some of the worst pain that you will ever feel. But it’s necessary. And so difficult to watch from the outside.
The good news? It will end. You will be ok. It will not be dark forever. The bad news? You have to stare straight into the face of God to get there. And deep down in my heart, I know you eventually will. You just have to do it on your own, and it has to be your decision. And for me, that is the hardest thing in the world. I want you to have everything, but I am not the One that can give it to you.
So I stand by, and I wait. And I am not patient, but I wait. And I pray, and I cry. I cry for you, and I cry with you. I cry because I’ve tasted freedom, and I can’t share it with you. I cry because I can see how close you are, and I so badly want to run to you and push you off the edge. But you have to jump on your own.
Just so the world can watch you fly…
I’m falling apart/Barely breathing/With a broken heart/That’s still beating
It was halfway through my day of tears and loss of hope that something occurred to me that should have occurred to me weeks ago. There was no way you were going to take this step alone. I was so afraid that you wouldn’t let me be there with you, that you would be your independent self, but when I told you that I took the day off to be there, you didn’t argue with me. That surprised me. I don’t know if the idea of me being next to you that day was more for you or for me, but it doesn’t matter. I’m just so glad you let me be there.
I knew I looked like hell when I came to ask you if you were sure. I know I probably looked like hell that morning, too. Coffee in hand, here comes the test of true faith. We threw things in boxes, we joked and we tried to do anything we could to keep from breaking down. And when you walked into his room, into the room where you have laughed and cried and rocked and read and been filled with more emotion than any heart other than a mother’s can hold, and you started looking for what you needed to take, I knew that it was over. I had to look away from you because the pain written all over you was so blinding that it hurt my eyes. I was strong enough through that one to let you break, and kiss you on the cheek when you were done. It was going to be okay.
I’ve known for a long time that you wouldn’t be able to walk out the front door without completely losing it. That’s what I saw in my mind when I knew I needed to take the day off. And you did. You lost it. And we walked out the door, and we walked to our cars, and I had to turn around. I had to face the other way. Because I broke for you, and I didn’t want you to see. I got in line behind the moving truck, and you led. And we drove. And we cried, and we drove.
“Do not be afraid and do not be dismayed at this great horde, for the battle is not yours but God’s. You will not need to fight in this battle. Stand firm, hold your position, and see the salvation of the LORD on your behalf, O Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid and do not be dismayed.”
When we got there, you were excited to show me the house. You asked me over and over if the house was ok. It’s perfect, for what it is. When everything was moved in, when it was over and done with, that’s when I needed you to let me hold you. And you did. Just for a moment. And we sat, and we cried and we questioned, and all I could think of was redemption. It’s just within your reach. And my love for you seemed to grow by the hour.
If I lay here/If I just lay here/Would you lie with me and just forget the world
The conversations we had at lunch were conversations that God put in place before either one of us were created. He wants you to know how loved you are. He wants you to know how much you’re worth, and how you deserve much greater things than you could ever even imagine. He wants you to know that the mistakes, the heartache, the regrets, and the guilt are not things that His children are supposed to have. He wants you to put them on Him, instead. He’s holding you. Stop fighting his embrace.
Getting in my car and leaving you there was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I knew I needed to go, but the very idea of the pain that was coming to you was not one that I could tolerate. I told you that God would break your heart open, and as you are finding out, it is some of the worst pain that you will ever feel. But it’s necessary. And so difficult to watch from the outside.
The good news? It will end. You will be ok. It will not be dark forever. The bad news? You have to stare straight into the face of God to get there. And deep down in my heart, I know you eventually will. You just have to do it on your own, and it has to be your decision. And for me, that is the hardest thing in the world. I want you to have everything, but I am not the One that can give it to you.
So I stand by, and I wait. And I am not patient, but I wait. And I pray, and I cry. I cry for you, and I cry with you. I cry because I’ve tasted freedom, and I can’t share it with you. I cry because I can see how close you are, and I so badly want to run to you and push you off the edge. But you have to jump on your own.
Just so the world can watch you fly…
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
November
When I came home and took off my sweatshirt, I noticed that I smelled distinctly of two things. Grease and cigarettes. Two comforting things. I knew it would be important to find something comforting after my unsettling evening; I hate coming home and regretting where I've been and what I've said. I tried hard to see past my mood, to deny the things bubbling out of me, but it wasn't with much success. Today just wasn't a good day. It's been a while since I've had a good day. It's November.
I have no idea how I'm going to stomach even the idea of tomorrow, even the idea of a family holiday. Every year I seem to get a little more disconnected, a little more unaffected. I wish I knew how many more years it was going to take before going home from work for a holiday weekend doesn't make me cry. I wish I knew how much longer it is going to take before I adjust to being alone on the days no one should.
There aren't words for how it feels to have no one to spend holidays with. So I have to take comfort in the familiar. In the feel of the cool winter air on my bare skin. In the sound of the traffic far away on a clear night. In the sight of the stars, shining with glimmers of hope. In the smells on my clothes, the smells of things that taste good and calm my soul. The peace is found there, in the tiny things found by my senses, and for that I am thankful. After all, it is the day to be thankful, right?
I have no idea how I'm going to stomach even the idea of tomorrow, even the idea of a family holiday. Every year I seem to get a little more disconnected, a little more unaffected. I wish I knew how many more years it was going to take before going home from work for a holiday weekend doesn't make me cry. I wish I knew how much longer it is going to take before I adjust to being alone on the days no one should.
There aren't words for how it feels to have no one to spend holidays with. So I have to take comfort in the familiar. In the feel of the cool winter air on my bare skin. In the sound of the traffic far away on a clear night. In the sight of the stars, shining with glimmers of hope. In the smells on my clothes, the smells of things that taste good and calm my soul. The peace is found there, in the tiny things found by my senses, and for that I am thankful. After all, it is the day to be thankful, right?
Thursday, November 6, 2008
You Know What I Mean...
You know those mornings when you wake up, and you really don't want to do it again today?
You know when you don't know how you'll get through the whole day in one piece?
You know when you end up being late for work, and you wonder why you even bothered?
You know when your phone goes off, and one of you friends wants to know how you are, and you don't really know what to say?
You know when the morning drags and it feels like the day might never end?
You know when you get those random text messages from someone you rarely see, and they want to hang out after work?
You know when you suddenly feel wanted?
You know how good it feels when you get a random visitor at lunch, who just stopped by to see you?
You know how good it feels when someone buys you dinner, just to be nice?
You know how good it feels to hang out with someone who likes to be around you and makes you laugh?
You know those times when you realize that God knows exactly what you need, when you need it, and you notice He never fails to deliver?
You know those nights when you realize that you're going to be okay?
Yeah....I'm going to be okay....
You know when you don't know how you'll get through the whole day in one piece?
You know when you end up being late for work, and you wonder why you even bothered?
You know when your phone goes off, and one of you friends wants to know how you are, and you don't really know what to say?
You know when the morning drags and it feels like the day might never end?
You know when you get those random text messages from someone you rarely see, and they want to hang out after work?
You know when you suddenly feel wanted?
You know how good it feels when you get a random visitor at lunch, who just stopped by to see you?
You know how good it feels when someone buys you dinner, just to be nice?
You know how good it feels to hang out with someone who likes to be around you and makes you laugh?
You know those times when you realize that God knows exactly what you need, when you need it, and you notice He never fails to deliver?
You know those nights when you realize that you're going to be okay?
Yeah....I'm going to be okay....
Friday, October 3, 2008
The End
I'm going to miss the way I don't mind getting up in the morning and going to work.
I'm going to miss not caring if I look like hell because my worries kept me up all night.
I'm going to miss emergency coffee right inside the front door.
I'm going to miss making the rounds to say good morning.
I'm going to miss dancing on the counter on Friday afternoons.
I'm going to miss singing at the top of my lungs to make the kids laugh.
I'm going to miss secrets whispered on the phone to the room next door.
I'm going to miss texting people in the back building all day long.
I'm going to miss throwing things down the hallway at each other.
I'm going to miss getting in trouble for not using the intercom.
I'm going to miss Sonic happy hour being right across the street.
I'm going to miss timing lunch breaks correctly so we could goof off in pairs.
I'm going to miss running off new people that we don't like.
I'm going to miss the conspiracies.
I'm going to miss feeling safe and comfortable.
I'm going to miss being real.
I'm going to miss being read as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm going to miss the freedom to cry.
I'm not a leaver. I've been left too many times to ever be a leaver. I didn't want to run away. And I'm not. I'm moving on. I wish it wouldn't have played out like this, but half of me is glad that it happened so quickly. I knew it was a sign when we got the phone calls within five seconds of each other. I'm so glad we had the same last day. I couldn't have planned it better myself.
I never thought I'd quit a job to save a relationship. I didn't even notice that's what you were asking me to do. I'm glad I listened this time. I thought you were crazy, I thought you were against me, but you were looking out for me and didn't want anyone to know. I knew you were better than that. I knew you wouldn't turn on me.
I walked out the front door for the last time thirty minutes earlier than I ever did. I walked out laughing. That's when I knew I was doing the right thing. On Monday I start over. On Monday I'm on my own. I'm going to be fine. You taught me everything I know. You made me a survivor.
I will survive.
I'm going to miss not caring if I look like hell because my worries kept me up all night.
I'm going to miss emergency coffee right inside the front door.
I'm going to miss making the rounds to say good morning.
I'm going to miss dancing on the counter on Friday afternoons.
I'm going to miss singing at the top of my lungs to make the kids laugh.
I'm going to miss secrets whispered on the phone to the room next door.
I'm going to miss texting people in the back building all day long.
I'm going to miss throwing things down the hallway at each other.
I'm going to miss getting in trouble for not using the intercom.
I'm going to miss Sonic happy hour being right across the street.
I'm going to miss timing lunch breaks correctly so we could goof off in pairs.
I'm going to miss running off new people that we don't like.
I'm going to miss the conspiracies.
I'm going to miss feeling safe and comfortable.
I'm going to miss being real.
I'm going to miss being read as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm going to miss the freedom to cry.
I'm not a leaver. I've been left too many times to ever be a leaver. I didn't want to run away. And I'm not. I'm moving on. I wish it wouldn't have played out like this, but half of me is glad that it happened so quickly. I knew it was a sign when we got the phone calls within five seconds of each other. I'm so glad we had the same last day. I couldn't have planned it better myself.
I never thought I'd quit a job to save a relationship. I didn't even notice that's what you were asking me to do. I'm glad I listened this time. I thought you were crazy, I thought you were against me, but you were looking out for me and didn't want anyone to know. I knew you were better than that. I knew you wouldn't turn on me.
I walked out the front door for the last time thirty minutes earlier than I ever did. I walked out laughing. That's when I knew I was doing the right thing. On Monday I start over. On Monday I'm on my own. I'm going to be fine. You taught me everything I know. You made me a survivor.
I will survive.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Go
Four months ago:
I asked God whether I should stay or go. He said go.
But I wasn't paying attention. He never said where.
Two months ago:
I'm told that I can't go where I wanted to go.
But I thought I was supposed to go. What now, God?
You weren't paying attention. I told you to go, but I didn't tell you where.
Three days ago:
"I don't want to stay here after you go."
"Where are you going to go?"
"I don't know, but I don't want to stay."
"The hardest thing for you to do would be to stay. That's why I think you should stay."
God, I thought I was supposed to go. Do You want me to stay?
No. I told you to go. I just didn't tell you where to go. I'll tell you. You don't have to stay. You are supposed to go. Just wait. I'll tell you where to go.
Today:
9 am: "Joy, we'd love to have you take this job. We're just as great over here as it is over there."
Wait. Did she just offer me a job? But I love my job. Don't I? For the next month at least...
11 am: "We've cut your hours. You don't need to come in today. Hopefully this is temporary."
What is going on?
11:30 am: "She offered me that job this morning. I need to know if I should take it. I need to know if it's going to get any better or if I should take it."
"I don't want you to leave. But you need to do what's best for you."
Seriously, God? I didn't want to go right now. I wanted to go in a month. Please don't make me go yet. Please. Why didn't she fight for me? What happened? Why did it change? Why couldn't things stay the way they were? Why?
I don't want to take this job. Is this really where You wanted me to go?
Silence.
-----------------------------------------
I got a job offer today. I hate job offers. I really hate job offers when my current job is unsure and I know everything is about to change. I have no idea what to do. I didn't want a job offer right now, I wanted one in October.
It broke my heart. I cried all day. Fear of the unknown. Hatred of change. Feeling out of control.
Not the way I like to live.
I asked God whether I should stay or go. He said go.
But I wasn't paying attention. He never said where.
Two months ago:
I'm told that I can't go where I wanted to go.
But I thought I was supposed to go. What now, God?
You weren't paying attention. I told you to go, but I didn't tell you where.
Three days ago:
"I don't want to stay here after you go."
"Where are you going to go?"
"I don't know, but I don't want to stay."
"The hardest thing for you to do would be to stay. That's why I think you should stay."
God, I thought I was supposed to go. Do You want me to stay?
No. I told you to go. I just didn't tell you where to go. I'll tell you. You don't have to stay. You are supposed to go. Just wait. I'll tell you where to go.
Today:
9 am: "Joy, we'd love to have you take this job. We're just as great over here as it is over there."
Wait. Did she just offer me a job? But I love my job. Don't I? For the next month at least...
11 am: "We've cut your hours. You don't need to come in today. Hopefully this is temporary."
What is going on?
11:30 am: "She offered me that job this morning. I need to know if I should take it. I need to know if it's going to get any better or if I should take it."
"I don't want you to leave. But you need to do what's best for you."
Seriously, God? I didn't want to go right now. I wanted to go in a month. Please don't make me go yet. Please. Why didn't she fight for me? What happened? Why did it change? Why couldn't things stay the way they were? Why?
I don't want to take this job. Is this really where You wanted me to go?
Silence.
-----------------------------------------
I got a job offer today. I hate job offers. I really hate job offers when my current job is unsure and I know everything is about to change. I have no idea what to do. I didn't want a job offer right now, I wanted one in October.
It broke my heart. I cried all day. Fear of the unknown. Hatred of change. Feeling out of control.
Not the way I like to live.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Angry
I find it odd that the emotion that caused me to stop going to church five months ago is the exact same emotion that drove me back to church this weekend. I didn't know that the two extremes of this emotion would send me two opposite directions. It is one of the most powerful, controlling emotions that we ever deal with. That emotion is anger.
I was angry this past spring. Angry at my pastor for hurting me so deeply. Angry at the people of the church for not being as real as I thought they were. Angry at God for the things He took away from me. Angry at the people in my life for not being what I needed them to be. Angry at myself that my life wasn't turning out the way I wanted it to.
My anger grew as the seasons turned. The hotter it got outside, the hotter I became on the inside. I was angry that even though I walked away, no one had come after me. I was angry that no one tried to stop me from making the decisions I was making, especially if they were wrong. I was mad that no one was asking questions anymore. I got even more angry at God, because I didn't know how to talk to Him anymore. He was gone. He didn't come after me, either. I was just. so. angry.
But recently, the anger has changed. Now I'm angry at myself for believing the lies I was told. I'm angry that I thought there was only one "right" way to live, because I don't know if that is the truth. I'm angry that I no longer know what's true. I'm angry that I'm having such a good time living this way, because I thought it was supposed to make me miserable and it hasn't. I don't understand anymore, and I don't know where to find the answers. I'm still so angry.
So tonight, the anger drove me back to where it began. Back to the God who gave me the ability to feel this emotion. Were my questions answered? No. Did I find the truth? No. I didn't really find much of anything. So why am I writing about it? To share what I do know.
God doesn't change, even when we do. God doesn't walk away, even when we do. God doesn't stop speaking to us, even when we stand in silence before Him. God gave us the capabilities to ask questions, and somewhere out there He left the answers.
So tonight, I could still hear Him whisper. I could still hear Him say "I love you" and "I'm waiting for you". I found out that He is still right in front of me, no matter how far or how fast I run away. And tonight, that's enough for me.
I'm searching for the truth. I know it's out there somewhere. Pray for me? Thanks.
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