Down To The Line...

On Monday, my room flooded. My suitcases and bags of things for my trip got all wet. I was discouraged.

On Tuesday, we were hit with a freak snow storm. I laughed. Satan was getting creative.

On Wednesday, I came down with the flu. I cried. A lot.

Today is Thursday. So far, so good. My suitcases are dry, the snow is gone, and my fever melted away with it. Thank you to everyone who called and said they were praying. It worked. I am grateful, and so very amazed at the power of God.

My plane leaves in about twelve hours. I WILL be on it.

However...I should probably pack first.

Out of Control...

I like details. I mean, I really might be obsessed with them. If you've ever had a conversation with me, you would know this to be true. I have no short version of any story. If you want the short version, you should probably ask someone else. I really like all the details. I always have. In a way, it might be a good thing, because I always remember little things that no one else notices. Today, it is a very, very bad thing. Let me tell you why...

In a little less than five days, I will be boarding an airplane to Brazil with 17 other people. Sounds exciting, right? Here's the problem: we have no idea what we are doing when we get there. And that really bothers me. I have no details on even the really big stuff, and I'm still really paranoid about the really little stuff.

I don't know who I'm sitting next to on the plane. I don't know how I'm going to survive that long on a plane. I don't think I can sleep on a plane. It's going to be really hot there. I'm afraid of getting sick. I don't really know what to pack. And this is just the beginning of my freaking out.

I have absolutely no details for a period of ten days of my life. And it's driving me crazy. I never realized just how much I like to control my life and everything in it. I never realized how much I just insist on knowing about.

I'm being left in the dark, and everyone else thinks it's funny. An adventure, even. I pray that I can find this mindset very, very soon.

Pray for me? Thanks.

Becoming

Most mornings when I get to work, I head straight for the coffee pot. I make about half a pot, give or take a cup, depending on how much I need to be awakened that day. I stand in the kitchen and talk with my boss and the boys until it is done, and then I grab my mug and fix myself some. Once it is ready, I find a spot in the house (usually a couch or the stairs), get the boys occupied with something, and curl up for a bit. This is my thinking time. This is when I decide how my day is going to go. This is when it all comes out.

Once upon a time, there were days and days of this being the time of the day when I really had to convince myself that I was going to make it through another one. I would sit and bargain with myself about how I would survive the next eight hours, and wonder how soon I could get back in my bed. I would often replay in my mind how bad things currently were, and I would wonder when the pain would end. Once upon a time, I hated this time of the morning.

These days, things are a little different. I had coffee with a friend the other day, and could not seem to find the right words to express to her just how much everything, everything, has changed. And that includes my mornings.

I now look forward to this time of reflection. This is when I get to thank God for the blessings He allows me to wake up to each morning. This is when I get to congratulate myself on how good I am doing, and how far I am coming. This is when I grab my phone and catch up with friends that I often haven't caught up with in a few days. This is my favorite time of the day.

I am amazing myself (and others!) each day at how much I am allowing what I am going through to completely transform my life and who I am. I am on an amazing journey of self-discovery, and am truly enjoying finding out who I am and what I am capable of. I think that these periods in our life are truly precious. I am proud to say that I am really liking me. That is a definite first.

The other day one of my roommates told me that he noticed that I have learned to be a much more tolerable person lately (yeah, thanks). But I took it as a compliment. That is what I want to become. I want to become someone that people don't mind being with. I want to become someone that is kind and giving, and someone that I once wasn't. I want to be who I am supposed to be, and I believe that I am finding my way on that journey better than ever before.

Now if only I could kill the caffeine addiction that accompanies my morning routine...

Sometimes...

Sometimes life can get a little overwhelming.
Sometimes I don't know which way to go.
Sometimes I just want to sit and cry,
And sometimes I don't know how to say no.

Sometimes it's all too much.
Sometimes it's never enough.
Sometimes I really need a damn nap,
Because sometimes life is just tough.


(postscript: I am not a poet. But this picture made me laugh, and it needed something stupid to go with it. I cracked myself up, and that's all that really matters.)