"It's the Fear That Keeps Me Wide Awake"

I've spent the last few hours packing my life into boxes so that I can put it all into a U-Haul tomorrow and move to the next county. To be perfectly honest, there isn't an ounce of my being that wants to make this move anymore. You see, I have this problem with making decisions. Decisions, especially big ones (but usually small ones too!), scare the hell out of me. I'm terrified that I'm going to choose wrong. I'm terrified that either I or someone else is going to lose in the end. I'm scared of this not being the next right step in my life, and I'm scared of what I might lose by leaving this town. To sum it all up, as I laid in bed last night trying to sleep, I reached the disheartening conclusion that I have not only let fear take up residence in my heart, but I am letting it rule my life. And no one should be ruled by fear.

Fear is something that I have been familiar with my entire life. When I was growing up, security was something that was rare. It was important that I always stayed on my toes when it came to what I said and did, because if I chose wrongly there would be consequences. And the consequences usually hurt. This instilled in me my fear of choosing wrongly, and so it has made me hesitant of choosing at all. I think this is unfortunate, because being an adult is about making decisions on my own. And so I lose.

When I was young, I feared adults and the pain they could inflict upon me physically. Not feeling safe with the people who were supposed to protect me the most from everything scary and unknown did more damage that I have ever chosen to realize. Now, a few years into adulthood, I find it hard to think of anyone as safe. Which gives me nowhere to escape to from the fear. It has caused me to be the most afraid of the people that I am closest to and should trust the most. This makes life very scary. It leaves me searching for security, and causes me to stay frozen when it comes to walking through life, for fear I may take the wrong steps forward.

All this being said, I think I'm tired of letting fear take the upper hand. It is robbing me of my life, and it is taking from me the ability to risk. I'm so afraid to let go that I cling with all my might. This isn't fair to me, and it isn't fair to the people who love me. I have to learn to jump, even when I can't see the ground. I have to learn to TRUST, which is completely foreign to me. I think I'm finally realizing that the entire world isn't out to get me. Maybe there are people out there who are safe, even though they may fail me from time to time. Maybe it is ok to take steps in a forward motion, and hope that Jesus will work out the details if I just follow His lead. Life wasn't meant to be lived in the same state of mind all the time. We're supposed to take adventures that are offered to us, even if it is simply for what we might learn along the way.

So even though I'm still questioning this move I'm making tomorrow, I hold tight to some advice I got from a dear friend just last night: even if this is the wrong decision, I will learn from it. Which in the end makes it the right decision. I believe that Jesus wouldn't let me make huge decisions that are the wrong ones. I believe that He's holding me in His hand, and guiding me along the way that leads to life. I believe He can deliver me from the paralyzing fear that rules my heart and my life. Fear is not of God. For "God did not give us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline". So may I learn to risk. May I learn to trust. And most importantly, may I learn to LIVE, confidently and free of the fear and lies that have plagued me for way too long.