It's been one of those weeks where I haven't ever felt more alone. One of those times where I can hear myself scream, but no one else seems to be listening. I often have a really hard time knowing how to express how much I'm hurting, and because of that no one can reach out to me. My car is forced to witness my mental break downs at the beginning and end of each day, because for some reason I find it necessary to hold it all together while I'm at work or with friends. I'm a fairly good faker. I don't find it difficult to pretend like everything is holding together well, and I can force myself to have a good time even when everything is crashing down. But it sucks. It sucks, it's not fair, and to be honest it's making me die from the inside out.
The other day one of my friends told me (as she listened to me fall apart) that it was ok if I didn't know how to let her help me carry my pain. That she was going to do it anyways. She said that there was a reason God had given me good, faithful friends that were able and willing to plead with me on my behalf to Jesus. That conversation inspired me to become willing to ask the four people I trust to please pray for me. And honestly, that's as far as I have gotten. I can't seem to grasp the truth that maybe we weren't meant to carry our pain on our own. That maybe there really are people who care enough to pray diligently for me and to slip little bits of light into my darkness. If that really is true, maybe I should open my eyes a little wider so I can see it. Because maybe sometimes all I need to know is that I'm not alone. Maybe all I need is a touch, or a word of hope. Pain is taking it's toll on me, and that is the honest truth. I just don't know how to express it. The louder I scream, the more I'm convinced that no sound is coming out. Can anyone hear me? Is there anyone else out there?
Jesus be near to me, and don't leave my side.
I'll sit here and wait for you, for I know You hear me cry.
The darkness surrounds me and I'm falling fast,
But I hold fast to the promises that are in the morning light.
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