Commercial Break

The (other) blue screen of death told me that the satellite signal had been lost. Yeah, that's why I don't have satellite. I listened to the rain and thunder and tried not to panic. I love storms. Unless I'm alone. Add the being alone part to being alone in an unfamiliar house, and you've got quite a combination. I sent Jenn a text referring to the mild heart attack I was having, and she told me to chill out, it was just a passing storm. Good.

Sitting in the quiet allowed me to reflect back on the conversation I had with a friend over dinner last night. I hadn't seen this friend in a few months, and we had done a little catching up. It was fun, we laughed a lot, and then she told me that I sounded depressed. Ouch. I thought I had that one hidden pretty well. Am I? Do I even really know?

Last weekend I had four days off in a row. I didn't leave the house for the latter three of them. That wasn't such a good idea. Too much time alone allows for too much time inside my head. It was a rough few days. When I went back to work on Tuesday and added that stress to my current thoughts, it was a recipe for disaster. Tuesday night I thought I was going to die. Three hours of mild hysteria later and I came out alive. And breathing once again.

Yesterday I was driving home from work and I realized something. I have spent the last month or so worrying about what is going to happen in October. To move or not to move? To transfer or not to transfer? These have been my questions. They've made me prone to sleepless nights and moodiness at work. And then I realized: it's July. It's not October. Why worry now?

It is true that most, if not all, good things come to an end. It is true that change in inevitable. I always fear the end of a good thing because good things are so few sometimes. So why don't I just enjoy a good thing while it's still good. Yes. I will do that.

Weird how embracing a simple concept can change your outlook. The rest of my week was fun. I made the most of the great moments I had, and played around with Jenn on the new long lunch breaks we have since our hours got cut at work. I had fun without worrying about what work will be like when the fun moves 30 minutes south in a few months. I lived in the now. It's a new concept for me.

I'm learning. I'm learning to stop living in the past and worrying about the future. I'm learning that not everyone is the same, and that we all have something different to offer to each other. I'm learning to just let go and let loose, because not everything is always found in black in white. I'm embracing my shades of gray and having a great time while doing it.

And speaking of colors, my (other) blue screen of death just turned black. The signal's back. Now on to my regularly scheduled programming...