Loving and Leaving

Sometimes it is important for me to remember that it's ok to not have a plan, because God does. He knows what He is doing, and He knows where my life is going to go. There are days that I need to find comfort in that. He is holding me, and He will give me what I need to get to the next step. Good thing.

I have mentioned lately that it seems I have learned to cry. I forgot how for a few years, and I think it might be catching up to me. Most of my crying has occurred either in the car (my poor car has seen my worst moments!) or at work. And today I realized that my new(ish) job has been such a gift, because I have been so well taken care of through this trying time.

I have the honor and privilege of working across a half wall from a wonderful woman who shall remain nameless. She grew up in Iran, and upon first meeting her I wondered if I would ever understand what she talks about. She is a few years younger than my mother would be, and at first that intimidated me. Along the way, however, she has become one of my favorite people ever.

She always tells me that I am good at what I do, and that I am a good girl. When my babies drive me crazy, she takes them and calms them down. She cuts my apples up for me (because apparently I do it wrong), and she fixes my clothes when they need mending. And when I cry, she wants me to talk about why.

Yesterday she wanted to know why I haven't lived with my parents in so many years. For those of you that know me, you know that I typically have no problem talking about what is going on in my life. I have nothing to hide, and I often need someone to care. Rarely, though, will I talk about things that really hurt me in the past. Yesterday I was asked to.

It was a conversation that carried on for around an hour, over the racket of twelve babies. Somewhere in the middle I began to cry. I didn't know that there were things that happened so long ago that still hurt me so deeply inside. I didn't realize that these hurts may be the very things that debilitate me, and make me unable to have healthy relationships and unable to grow up and be independent.

Hi, my name is Joy, and I have abandonment issues. I don't trust anyone to never leave me. It has taken over my life, and I just now noticed.

Thank You, Jesus, for the unexpected wisdom that came flying at me in the form of my coworker yesterday. Thank You for the people I look at everyday that are willing to help me learn how to grow up. I can only wonder why I just now found them.

I am convinced that I will eventually figure out how to grow up. I am convinced that healing is possible, I just wonder why I keep missing it. I am convinced that I serve a God who has a plan, and that He may be the One who will never leave me.

I will be ok. I think...