Bad Day

Wal-Mart. In Antioch. On a Sunday afternoon. With a 102 degree temp and some of the worst body aches in history. 45 minute wait on my prescription. Might have been one of the worst things I've ever experienced.

I just wanna feel better. I've had enough already.

Pondering

I've had three people tell me within the last 24 hours that I think too much. It's just been one of "those" weeks. There's a lot on my mind. I thought I would share.

#1: It is painful to suddenly realize that you've spent a lot of time mourning the loss of something that you never actually had to lose in the first place. Ouch.

#2: It is even more painful to mourn the loss of something you actually DID have. That's just downright heartbreaking.

#3: I have been spending a few years waiting for my life to start. Today, it occurred to me that, oh wait, it started without me. I better start living it.

#4: There is a period of life between realizing that you have to grow up and actually growing up. I've played around in that period of life for a little bit too long. It's time to grow up. It's been time.

#5: I have absolutely no idea what I want out of life. I have no idea what makes me happy, or how to live in what makes me happy. That frightens me. I've already wasted enough time.

#6: The best way to act out on irrational thoughts and ideas is to take it out on your hair. You can always repair damage done to your hair. You cannot repair damage done to your reputation, your job, your relationships, or your life. I have a drastic new hair color (or colors), and I feel like I've done enough damage for today. No need to quit my job or push away my friends, because I totally screwed up my hair. And I love it. Way to deal. Go me.

#7: It really, really is okay to let go and move on. It's time. It's been time. It's okay. It's OKAY.

Trust Me

"Thanks for listening. I love you and your hidden little heart."
"I love you too. And I really want to see you happy."
"You saying that makes me want to trust you."
"The fact that you don't yet just means that you need to trust people more."
"I have trust issues. I've was told one too many times that I wasn't worth it. It made me very distrusting."
"You ARE worth it. So there."

Weird how four little words can suddenly tilt your world back where it's no longer falling upside down. Weird how four little words can be all you've waited to hear for a really, really long time. Weird to know that at least for today, everything is going to be just fine. Or maybe, not so weird at all.

today's thought

i have found a million things and a million people to blame for why things turned out the way they did. i could spend the rest of my life finding more. but in the end, it wasn't until the moment that i realized that it wasn't my fault, or anyone else's, but instead the work of God, who knew better than i ever did, that made things turn out the way they did. so maybe it will be alright after all. and maybe i can stop being so angry. and maybe i can find peace in the idea that it happened this way because it was supposed to. and maybe i'll be okay. and maybe i can stop running. just maybe.

Who I Might Be

Tonight I had dinner with both a friend that I hadn't seen in a while and a friend that I see every day. It was a slightly eye-opening experience. I learned that sometimes you don't know how much has changed (or how much you have changed) until you sit with someone who knew only who you were, and not who you are now.

Lately I have had a unique answer to the "How are you?" question: "I'm good, just probably not the right kind of good." I've had a lot of fun lately, and I'm finding happiness in really strange things. Maybe I've discovered a new way of life. I'm not really sure. I just know that for now, I like it. I'm enjoying it. And occasionally, I don't feel guilty about it.

I recently told a friend that I've lost a lot of my convictions lately. And that maybe, even though it sounds like a bad thing, it might be what is best for me right now. I'm finally learning who I am and what I am capable of. I'm making mistakes, and I'm not regretting them. I'm having fun. I'm LIVING.

Ok, maybe this isn't the right way to go. I've been warned. I am aware. I was convinced that someone would come after me, and when no one did, I realized that I was on my own this time. And maybe that's not the worst thing in the world. Maybe we do need to learn from our own mistakes sometimes.

Will I regret this all one day? Maybe. Will it be worth all the fun? According to all the wise people I know, probably not. Do I care? Not currently.

Tonight I was driving home a little after midnight, blaring the music in the car to drown out my thoughts, and I felt something strange deep inside my heart that I hadn't ever felt before. It was like I could physically feel God fighting for my heart. It ripped at the inside of me, and I looked away. I got a text a few seconds later from one of the friends I had dinner with, inviting me to meet her for church in the morning. I declined. I'm not ready to come back yet. When I am, she'll be the first to know...

at dinner:
Me: "A lot has changed since we last hung out."
Her: "Apparently..."