Who I Might Be

Tonight I had dinner with both a friend that I hadn't seen in a while and a friend that I see every day. It was a slightly eye-opening experience. I learned that sometimes you don't know how much has changed (or how much you have changed) until you sit with someone who knew only who you were, and not who you are now.

Lately I have had a unique answer to the "How are you?" question: "I'm good, just probably not the right kind of good." I've had a lot of fun lately, and I'm finding happiness in really strange things. Maybe I've discovered a new way of life. I'm not really sure. I just know that for now, I like it. I'm enjoying it. And occasionally, I don't feel guilty about it.

I recently told a friend that I've lost a lot of my convictions lately. And that maybe, even though it sounds like a bad thing, it might be what is best for me right now. I'm finally learning who I am and what I am capable of. I'm making mistakes, and I'm not regretting them. I'm having fun. I'm LIVING.

Ok, maybe this isn't the right way to go. I've been warned. I am aware. I was convinced that someone would come after me, and when no one did, I realized that I was on my own this time. And maybe that's not the worst thing in the world. Maybe we do need to learn from our own mistakes sometimes.

Will I regret this all one day? Maybe. Will it be worth all the fun? According to all the wise people I know, probably not. Do I care? Not currently.

Tonight I was driving home a little after midnight, blaring the music in the car to drown out my thoughts, and I felt something strange deep inside my heart that I hadn't ever felt before. It was like I could physically feel God fighting for my heart. It ripped at the inside of me, and I looked away. I got a text a few seconds later from one of the friends I had dinner with, inviting me to meet her for church in the morning. I declined. I'm not ready to come back yet. When I am, she'll be the first to know...

at dinner:
Me: "A lot has changed since we last hung out."
Her: "Apparently..."