Remembering July

July is a painful month for me. It holds the hardest of my memories, and I never look forward to this month. This year is no exception, especially since I found out that my boss's mother also died in July. The knowledge of this led to a painful, yet much needed, conversation in my car the other day that leaves me wondering if I can survive July this year.

I have the day off on Monday. My friend at work took Monday off just because, and she told me that I should too. We turned a holiday weekend into a four-day vacation, and so far I am glad that we decided to do that. Add to it a new house with a big deck, another friend, and a bottle of tequila, and you will understand why the 4th of July continues to reign as my favorite holiday. But the silly fun is soon to come to an end.

My friend made me agree to letting her begin cleaning out my life this coming Monday. I have so much stuff that is related to emotions that I have refused to work through for the past five years. So much stuff that has stayed sealed in boxes so that I don't have to relive the past or talk about how anything makes me feel or why it hasn't healed. And she wants to go through it. She wants me to take it all out, deal with it, and then get over it. She has no idea what she is getting herself into.

I argued with her for quite a while over why in the world she would want to do this. She has only known me for a few months, and she wants to invite herself into my chaos? What is that about? She is determined to prove to me that real friends do exist, and that she wants to be one for me, starting with this daunting task. I am pretty confident that she will beat that concept into me if she has to. I often don't believe her. But if she wants to throw herself into the disaster of who I am, then so be it. Come on in, the door is open (sometimes).

In preparation for this event on Monday, I have tried to psych myself up for how much it might hurt. We have rules (don't judge me, don't fuss at me, don't make me cry) that I hope will help keep her strong, honest personality at bay, at least for a few hours. She is not at all soft, and I hope she realizes that I might need her to be.

This July might be even more painful than the previous four, simply for the fact that I am looking for a little closure. My friend tells me all the time that I am not healed, and that I need to be. That I am not happy, but that I can be. That I haven't dealt with things, and it's time to.

So here we go. A journey into the inside of my past and the inside of my heart. What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger, right? Let's hope I live through this one...