Angry

I find it odd that the emotion that caused me to stop going to church five months ago is the exact same emotion that drove me back to church this weekend. I didn't know that the two extremes of this emotion would send me two opposite directions. It is one of the most powerful, controlling emotions that we ever deal with. That emotion is anger.

I was angry this past spring. Angry at my pastor for hurting me so deeply. Angry at the people of the church for not being as real as I thought they were. Angry at God for the things He took away from me. Angry at the people in my life for not being what I needed them to be. Angry at myself that my life wasn't turning out the way I wanted it to.

My anger grew as the seasons turned. The hotter it got outside, the hotter I became on the inside. I was angry that even though I walked away, no one had come after me. I was angry that no one tried to stop me from making the decisions I was making, especially if they were wrong. I was mad that no one was asking questions anymore. I got even more angry at God, because I didn't know how to talk to Him anymore. He was gone. He didn't come after me, either. I was just. so. angry.

But recently, the anger has changed. Now I'm angry at myself for believing the lies I was told. I'm angry that I thought there was only one "right" way to live, because I don't know if that is the truth. I'm angry that I no longer know what's true. I'm angry that I'm having such a good time living this way, because I thought it was supposed to make me miserable and it hasn't. I don't understand anymore, and I don't know where to find the answers. I'm still so angry.

So tonight, the anger drove me back to where it began. Back to the God who gave me the ability to feel this emotion. Were my questions answered? No. Did I find the truth? No. I didn't really find much of anything. So why am I writing about it? To share what I do know.

God doesn't change, even when we do. God doesn't walk away, even when we do. God doesn't stop speaking to us, even when we stand in silence before Him. God gave us the capabilities to ask questions, and somewhere out there He left the answers.

So tonight, I could still hear Him whisper. I could still hear Him say "I love you" and "I'm waiting for you". I found out that He is still right in front of me, no matter how far or how fast I run away. And tonight, that's enough for me.

I'm searching for the truth. I know it's out there somewhere. Pray for me? Thanks.