Go

Four months ago:

I asked God whether I should stay or go. He said go.

But I wasn't paying attention. He never said where.

Two months ago:

I'm told that I can't go where I wanted to go.

But I thought I was supposed to go. What now, God?
You weren't paying attention. I told you to go, but I didn't tell you where.

Three days ago:

"I don't want to stay here after you go."
"Where are you going to go?"
"I don't know, but I don't want to stay."
"The hardest thing for you to do would be to stay. That's why I think you should stay."

God, I thought I was supposed to go. Do You want me to stay?
No. I told you to go. I just didn't tell you where to go. I'll tell you. You don't have to stay. You are supposed to go. Just wait. I'll tell you where to go.

Today:

9 am: "Joy, we'd love to have you take this job. We're just as great over here as it is over there."

Wait. Did she just offer me a job? But I love my job. Don't I? For the next month at least...

11 am: "We've cut your hours. You don't need to come in today. Hopefully this is temporary."

What is going on?

11:30 am: "She offered me that job this morning. I need to know if I should take it. I need to know if it's going to get any better or if I should take it."

"I don't want you to leave. But you need to do what's best for you."

Seriously, God? I didn't want to go right now. I wanted to go in a month. Please don't make me go yet. Please. Why didn't she fight for me? What happened? Why did it change? Why couldn't things stay the way they were? Why?

I don't want to take this job. Is this really where You wanted me to go?

Silence.

-----------------------------------------

I got a job offer today. I hate job offers. I really hate job offers when my current job is unsure and I know everything is about to change. I have no idea what to do. I didn't want a job offer right now, I wanted one in October.

It broke my heart. I cried all day. Fear of the unknown. Hatred of change. Feeling out of control.

Not the way I like to live.