Ready to Jump, Even Ready to Fall

I woke up on Tuesday afternoon to a slightly disheartening message in my facebook inbox from a good friend who is on vacation in California. It began by telling me that there was a prayer need for a friend of my friend. "Ok, simple enough," I thought. I began to skim over the message and see who it was that needed prayer, and what had happened. When I got to the second paragraph, however, my eyes froze. Read along with me:

my pastor in Hawaii, Mark Rife and his wife Sarah went hiking on saturday and sarah fell face forward from a 75ft. waterfall. mark jumped in after her and only sustained a few injuries. sarah however was flown to oahu to be put in intensive care until they could determine her condition...

The message goes on to tell more about Sarah; the injuries she sustained, and her current condition. But for at least the next five minutes, my eyes kept wandering to that paragraph. Why? Because I was completely struck by the fact that the message told me that HE JUMPED IN AFTER HER. She fell off of a cliff, and he jumped in after her. I mean, who does that?

This picture of love, faith, and trust has not left my mind since Tuesday. I first thought of the love that we know as humans, the love that we have for each other, but it wasn't long before I related this to the Love of Jesus. The trust involved in making a jump like that. The ability to just jump, without thinking twice and without weighing the options first. This is pretty foreign to me, as I am pretty sure there isn't anyone (or anything) in my life that I would that quickly jump after. I don't have enough faith for that. I am not that devoted.

The more I think about it, and the more I have shared this story and where it has caused my thoughts to wander, the more I know that this is what I want to be striving after. I want to have the kind of faith that when Jesus tells me to jump in after Him, I don't ask questions and I don't heed caution. I want to love with the kind of love that causes me to be fully devoted to the point of jumping without first thinking about what it means for me. I want to trust enough that when I'm told to jump, I know that Jesus will be at the bottom to catch me and keep me from harm. I want to love that deeply, and I want to have faith that big.

This story has inspired me, and it has caused my heart to run after things I didn't know I was missing. I want to be brave. In fact, I want to be FEARLESS. I want to jump off without having time to worry about it, and I want to love SO MUCH that I know nothing else other than to just jump. Mark didn't stop to think about whether or not he would get hurt. He didn't consult anyone else about his decision, and he didn't stop to weigh his options. He just watched his beloved fall, and he just JUMPED. I want that. I want to be found at the bottom, knowing there was no other option. Let's go. I'm ready to fall.

*photo by dougmcneall

**title by elizabeth

Help Me Believe In Me...

Last night after I came home crying my friend Leif told me that if I wanted something bad enough, I wouldn't let anyone stand in the way. And while I think that's true, I think it might be different when it's your parent. The person who once many years ago told you that you could do anything you wanted to do, and then twenty years later changed their mind.

Life with my dad since my mom died has been difficult. He resented me for so long, and once he had the chance to express all those years of pent up resentment, he made up for lost time. He has continuously convinced me to give up my dreams, one by one, by telling me that I can never accomplish them. He refuses to give me his support in anything, including my upcoming trip to Brazil (which breaks my heart). He thinks my ideas are rash and not thought through. I had to hang up on him last night because I started crying, and I knew he would yell at me if he heard me cry. He has taught me to hide my emotions.

It's really very hard to go after something you want when the one person who is supposed to support you in everything you do refuses to believe in you. Because no one since my mom has believed in me, I seem to have lost the ability to believe in myself. This morning when I woke up, I think I lost interest in chasing this dream. I feel like yesterday didn't even happen.

I want to make him proud, just once. I don't know why, because he really doesn't even deserve that. I just do. I want him to think that just maybe I could accomplish something. I want him to think that so that I can think that. I need him to help me believe in me. Instead, I was forced to tell him to forget that I ever said anything, and then quietly hang up. And as I fell asleep last night, I seemed to have quietly hung up my latest attempt at going after my dreams, too.

Maybe one day I'll have the strength to walk through that wall. Yesterday was not that day. May Jesus teach me to believe in myself. I know He believes in me...

"Take Courage! It is I. Do Not Be Afraid." *

I took my passport to church this morning. Throughout the whole service, it sat in the chair next to me and stared me down. When the service was over, I took it, along with a decent amount of cash, and placed them in the hand of one of the pastors at my church. It was a statement. It was a faith step. I'm going to Brazil. No turning back now.

This afternoon I sat on my back deck with Jesus. I told Him I'd go where He sends me. I asked Him to show me what's next. I know that whatever and where ever it is, it's big, but I know He won't send me until I'm ready. I know He'll hold my hand.

In an hour I'm going to tell my boss that I'm not working early mornings anymore. I'm just not. I refuse to have my life controlled by anyone except Jesus. Soon I plan to tell her that I'm moving on. I don't want to be manipulated anymore. I don't want my life planned by another human anymore. I'm going to chase life. I'm going to chase Jesus.

It's not about me. It's about Jesus. It's a walk on water kind of day...

*Matthew 14:27