What Do You Do With It?

Tonight I sat for six hours and watched my best friend repeat the stages of grief over and over again until she slept. We walked in circles between anger and sadness, and I let her scream and cry, and even broke down with her three or four times. It was a hard night, but as I drove home at the wee hour of one a.m., I began to think about emotion and how much conversations about anger have been happening in my life during the past few days. It seems to have become a common theme lately, and I'm reaching around to try and understand it.

Anger is a confusing emotion for me. Though I grew up an angry child as a result of having angry parents, I've grown to think that being angry isn't acceptable. I often contradict myself when I speak about my anger, because sometimes I believe it to be ok and yet won't let myself admit to it. I think it might be because I don't understand it, and yet maybe I wasn't meant to. I know that unexpressed anger is dangerous, and I'm slowly learning that it's ok to be mad as long as I channel it properly. But is it? Are we allowed to be angry with our circumstances and with what goes on around us? Is there a constructive way to express anger?

I know that I am mad at my mother for leaving me. But is that fair? It's not like she chose to do it. I know that I get mad when people don't live up to my expectations. But is that fair? I mean, it's definitely ok for people to fail. I do all the time. I know that I am mad about the mistakes my parents made in raising me. But is that fair? They probably did the best they could. I know I get really mad at people who mistreat children. That's got to be fair, right?

I don't really have any answers tonight. I just know that the subject of anger has been weighing heavy on my mind for the past few days, and I want to know if it's alright to be mad. I want to know how to handle so negative an emotion. God made us able to feel, and He gave us our emotions. God gets angry, so does that mean I can? I'm not really sure...

Friday morning, over coffee, in Seattle:

He looked up at me, paused for a moment, and said, "I just have so much anger that I've kept inside of me for so long. I've been such an angry person lately."

"Me too," I said. "I just recently realized how mad I am."

He was silent for a moment.

"But what do you DO with it?" he quietly asked me.

I hesitated for a moment before I looked up and met his eyes.

"I have no idea."

It Rains, Not All the Time

This weekend I have the privilege (which, sometimes is more of a daunting task) of spending the weekend in Seattle with my boss and the boys. When I found out that my boss's brother was getting married here this weekend, I begged to come. It's a good thing, because she would not have survived this trip without me. I do not hesitate to be bold enough to say that, because it's true. At this point I am very tired, grumpy, and bitter, but I would like to share some highlights of my trip thus far.

Seattle is beautiful. Yes, it has rained lots, but not all the time. It comes and goes. The mountains are a backdrop in one direction, and driving downtown tonight was so hilly that it resembled those rice-a-roni commercials in San Francisco. A little scary, really. The church where the wedding will be is across the lake from downtown, and the nighttime skyline is breathtaking. Quite Manhattan-like actually. I wish I could have taken pictures (but I was driving).

Flying to Seattle, however, is not quite as lovely. Maybe because I sat between a screaming 18-month-old and a very loud three-year-old. It was not a pleasant experience. A very long flight and a severe case of jet-lag for all four of us. I do not particularly want to do it again on Sunday. Too bad.

I have a very neat friend in Seattle. I do not hesitate to call him my friend, though I have only ever had three conversations with him. I had coffee with him this morning. It was a memorable experience. He's neat. You should have coffee with him, too.

I am staying at an incredibly exquisite bed and breakfast, at which I have my own floor in the separate guest house. I'm spoiled. They serve your coffee to you twice daily, and they make your bed and leave little mints on it. I might move in. The two male innkeepers are interesting characters. They're married. They have no sense of humor. That's difficult.

Well, I believe that sums up my current opinions of my trip (minus my screaming children at the rehearsal. We won't go there). I really like this city, and wish I had time without children to look around a little more. I guess I'll just have to come back. Some of you should be expecting a postcard. Postcards are fun. I send them.

Goodnight all.

*photo by jacobC

Why I Am

I have learned more about myself this year than in any of the twenty years of my life prior to this one. What I have learned about myself has brought me so much more clarity about why I am the way I am, and through that I have been granted truth and freedom. This has caused me to no longer believe in self-defining moments, but rather self-defining periods of life. This has definitely been one for me, and I don't think it's over yet. I am grateful that I have finally been able to find my identity, and that I now have the abilty to be honest with myself. The value of that is immeasuerable...

I am overappreciative because I feel under appreciated.
I am prone to love too strongly because I often do not feel loved.
I am overly hospitable because I often do not feel welcome.
I am a little whiny because my mother spoiled me.
I am loud because I don't feel heard.
I am a user because I know no other outlet for my pain.
I am sometimes not kind to others, because I want to feel justified.

These are not correct ways of living. These are the things I want to change about myself by no longer letting satan lie to me about who I am. These are not too hard for Jesus to change. He isn't through with me yet.

I am very giving because I have lost much.
I am very grateful because I have been given so much more.
I am a loyal friend in hopes that I, too, will have loyal friends.
I am honest because I get tired of pretending.
I am compassionate because I have suffered.
I am merciful because everyone acts out of their own hurt.

These are the things about myself that I have come to like. These are the ways I have become like Jesus. I pray that these traits stay with me, and even become stronger.

I am so grateful that Jesus has taken so much time to teach me about myself and about why I am the way I am and why I do the things I do. I know who I am now, and that gives me the freedom to be me. I only will strive to make my character more like that of Jesus. I pray one day I will see only Him in me.

Letters to the Other Side...

Hi Mom!

Well, Happy Birthday! You would have been 55 today. Which means I would have made fun of you. Of course :) But that's ok, because I'm getting old, too! Can you believe that I'm going to be 22 on my next birthday? It's all passing a little too quickly. I miss you here. I wish you could see everything that has happened as I've grown. I can't believe how much things have changed since you've been gone...

It's been a hard year, mom. A few days before you died, I whispered in your ear that it was ok for you go, that your job was done because you kids were all grown up and done being raised. I'm afraid maybe I was wrong, mom. I've spent a lot of years trying to be a grown-up and trying to take care of myself, but I had to give up. I wasn't ready. It was too hard to grow up without you here to help me. I've had to let Jesus carry me these last few months. I'm learning that He's the only one capable of really taking care of me the way you would have. So I'm gonna make it. He's got me, and I'm gonna make it.

There's so much that I wish I could tell you. I still so often come across things that I want to run home and tell you about. Almost all of my friends are close to their moms, and man do I feel like I'm missing out on something so huge by not having that relationship. I'm forever wanting to tell you how much you would love my friends, and how much you would love having them around. Some of them are a lot like you! They keep me sane, and they tell me it's ok to talk about you. I love that.

Dad and I still don't get along so well. I think that he's just not sure how to love me the right way, and I wish you were here to show him. Will does a great job of being a big brother. He's come through for me so many times when no one else has. He makes sure I have everything I need and that nothing in his power is making me unhappy. You raised a good boy. He misses you, too.

There still isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of you. I thought that would change with time, but it hasn't. You are often in my dreams, and the smallest things remind me of you. There is a hole in me that you left behind, and I know that it will never be filled. There isn't a moment that passes that I don't wish I could pick up the phone and call you, and tell you what's going on in my life, just like all of my other friends do. Sometimes I'm really just dying to tell you about something that was on sale at Target, or about a show I saw on tv. Which, by the way, primetime tv is really good these days. You would love it.

So really, I'm doing okay. It's been a hard year, but I'm just trying to figure out how to grow up after I discovered that I wasn't grown-up. I try my best to do it without a mother to call, but sometimes all I know to do is reach out for help. And I think that's okay. I know you have sent angels to guide me, and I never miss it when I know it's from you. Thank you for taking care of me as best as you can from the Other Side.

Happy Birthday, mom. You are remembered and loved, today and everyday. I miss you. I always will. I love you. That will never change. I'll see you soon, ok?

Love,
Joy

Ready to Jump, Even Ready to Fall

I woke up on Tuesday afternoon to a slightly disheartening message in my facebook inbox from a good friend who is on vacation in California. It began by telling me that there was a prayer need for a friend of my friend. "Ok, simple enough," I thought. I began to skim over the message and see who it was that needed prayer, and what had happened. When I got to the second paragraph, however, my eyes froze. Read along with me:

my pastor in Hawaii, Mark Rife and his wife Sarah went hiking on saturday and sarah fell face forward from a 75ft. waterfall. mark jumped in after her and only sustained a few injuries. sarah however was flown to oahu to be put in intensive care until they could determine her condition...

The message goes on to tell more about Sarah; the injuries she sustained, and her current condition. But for at least the next five minutes, my eyes kept wandering to that paragraph. Why? Because I was completely struck by the fact that the message told me that HE JUMPED IN AFTER HER. She fell off of a cliff, and he jumped in after her. I mean, who does that?

This picture of love, faith, and trust has not left my mind since Tuesday. I first thought of the love that we know as humans, the love that we have for each other, but it wasn't long before I related this to the Love of Jesus. The trust involved in making a jump like that. The ability to just jump, without thinking twice and without weighing the options first. This is pretty foreign to me, as I am pretty sure there isn't anyone (or anything) in my life that I would that quickly jump after. I don't have enough faith for that. I am not that devoted.

The more I think about it, and the more I have shared this story and where it has caused my thoughts to wander, the more I know that this is what I want to be striving after. I want to have the kind of faith that when Jesus tells me to jump in after Him, I don't ask questions and I don't heed caution. I want to love with the kind of love that causes me to be fully devoted to the point of jumping without first thinking about what it means for me. I want to trust enough that when I'm told to jump, I know that Jesus will be at the bottom to catch me and keep me from harm. I want to love that deeply, and I want to have faith that big.

This story has inspired me, and it has caused my heart to run after things I didn't know I was missing. I want to be brave. In fact, I want to be FEARLESS. I want to jump off without having time to worry about it, and I want to love SO MUCH that I know nothing else other than to just jump. Mark didn't stop to think about whether or not he would get hurt. He didn't consult anyone else about his decision, and he didn't stop to weigh his options. He just watched his beloved fall, and he just JUMPED. I want that. I want to be found at the bottom, knowing there was no other option. Let's go. I'm ready to fall.

*photo by dougmcneall

**title by elizabeth

Random Musings...

I haven't had anything profound to say lately. Which is apparently going around. Maybe because so much happened in about two weeks time that I am now taking the time to process it all. Maybe because I've been sick with a fever that I can't get rid of. Maybe because I'm not working and therefore quite bored. I'm not really sure why.

I've spent the last two days being content with where I am right now. I think that's a good place to be. I'd like to stay here in this state of mind, at least for a little while.

I've been sick, and so I've been sleeping in strange amounts at strange times. But, what else is new. Nothing like getting up to watch the Today Show and eat pop-tarts, and then going back to bed until mid-afternoon. I suppose there are perks for not having to be at work. It doesn't pay very well, though.

I'm officially on the job hunt. My boss told me that she doesn't expect me to stick around until she moves in the spring. Good to know. Don't know what's next on my list of random careers, but I'm definitely willing to try it when it comes along.

I had a conversation last night with a friend about leaving college and growing up. I don't think I had realized until last night that I had gained the ability to let go of the life I lived at college and build my own life here. But I totally have. And I didn't even notice. I'm having a great time here. The only sad part is that everything we spent the last two-ish years building towards has crumbled before our eyes. (Enter Nick Lachey lyrics). The good part is that the things I am now building towards are better and stronger, it seems. It's part of growing up I guess. Which is so hard, but turning out to be so rewarding. I am still, however, stopping after my next birthday. (Haha).

Maybe sometime this week I will have something more intelligent to discuss than my own life. I've been doing too much of talking about myself lately. Life isn't about me. We need bigger and better things than ourselves. Thank goodness we are aware of this...