Letters to the Other Side...

Hi Mom!

Well, Happy Birthday! You would have been 55 today. Which means I would have made fun of you. Of course :) But that's ok, because I'm getting old, too! Can you believe that I'm going to be 22 on my next birthday? It's all passing a little too quickly. I miss you here. I wish you could see everything that has happened as I've grown. I can't believe how much things have changed since you've been gone...

It's been a hard year, mom. A few days before you died, I whispered in your ear that it was ok for you go, that your job was done because you kids were all grown up and done being raised. I'm afraid maybe I was wrong, mom. I've spent a lot of years trying to be a grown-up and trying to take care of myself, but I had to give up. I wasn't ready. It was too hard to grow up without you here to help me. I've had to let Jesus carry me these last few months. I'm learning that He's the only one capable of really taking care of me the way you would have. So I'm gonna make it. He's got me, and I'm gonna make it.

There's so much that I wish I could tell you. I still so often come across things that I want to run home and tell you about. Almost all of my friends are close to their moms, and man do I feel like I'm missing out on something so huge by not having that relationship. I'm forever wanting to tell you how much you would love my friends, and how much you would love having them around. Some of them are a lot like you! They keep me sane, and they tell me it's ok to talk about you. I love that.

Dad and I still don't get along so well. I think that he's just not sure how to love me the right way, and I wish you were here to show him. Will does a great job of being a big brother. He's come through for me so many times when no one else has. He makes sure I have everything I need and that nothing in his power is making me unhappy. You raised a good boy. He misses you, too.

There still isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of you. I thought that would change with time, but it hasn't. You are often in my dreams, and the smallest things remind me of you. There is a hole in me that you left behind, and I know that it will never be filled. There isn't a moment that passes that I don't wish I could pick up the phone and call you, and tell you what's going on in my life, just like all of my other friends do. Sometimes I'm really just dying to tell you about something that was on sale at Target, or about a show I saw on tv. Which, by the way, primetime tv is really good these days. You would love it.

So really, I'm doing okay. It's been a hard year, but I'm just trying to figure out how to grow up after I discovered that I wasn't grown-up. I try my best to do it without a mother to call, but sometimes all I know to do is reach out for help. And I think that's okay. I know you have sent angels to guide me, and I never miss it when I know it's from you. Thank you for taking care of me as best as you can from the Other Side.

Happy Birthday, mom. You are remembered and loved, today and everyday. I miss you. I always will. I love you. That will never change. I'll see you soon, ok?

Love,
Joy