November

When I came home and took off my sweatshirt, I noticed that I smelled distinctly of two things. Grease and cigarettes. Two comforting things. I knew it would be important to find something comforting after my unsettling evening; I hate coming home and regretting where I've been and what I've said. I tried hard to see past my mood, to deny the things bubbling out of me, but it wasn't with much success. Today just wasn't a good day. It's been a while since I've had a good day. It's November.

I have no idea how I'm going to stomach even the idea of tomorrow, even the idea of a family holiday. Every year I seem to get a little more disconnected, a little more unaffected. I wish I knew how many more years it was going to take before going home from work for a holiday weekend doesn't make me cry. I wish I knew how much longer it is going to take before I adjust to being alone on the days no one should.

There aren't words for how it feels to have no one to spend holidays with. So I have to take comfort in the familiar. In the feel of the cool winter air on my bare skin. In the sound of the traffic far away on a clear night. In the sight of the stars, shining with glimmers of hope. In the smells on my clothes, the smells of things that taste good and calm my soul. The peace is found there, in the tiny things found by my senses, and for that I am thankful. After all, it is the day to be thankful, right?

You Know What I Mean...

You know those mornings when you wake up, and you really don't want to do it again today?
You know when you don't know how you'll get through the whole day in one piece?
You know when you end up being late for work, and you wonder why you even bothered?
You know when your phone goes off, and one of you friends wants to know how you are, and you don't really know what to say?
You know when the morning drags and it feels like the day might never end?

You know when you get those random text messages from someone you rarely see, and they want to hang out after work?
You know when you suddenly feel wanted?
You know how good it feels when you get a random visitor at lunch, who just stopped by to see you?
You know how good it feels when someone buys you dinner, just to be nice?
You know how good it feels to hang out with someone who likes to be around you and makes you laugh?

You know those times when you realize that God knows exactly what you need, when you need it, and you notice He never fails to deliver?

You know those nights when you realize that you're going to be okay?

Yeah....I'm going to be okay....

The End

I'm going to miss the way I don't mind getting up in the morning and going to work.
I'm going to miss not caring if I look like hell because my worries kept me up all night.
I'm going to miss emergency coffee right inside the front door.
I'm going to miss making the rounds to say good morning.

I'm going to miss dancing on the counter on Friday afternoons.
I'm going to miss singing at the top of my lungs to make the kids laugh.
I'm going to miss secrets whispered on the phone to the room next door.
I'm going to miss texting people in the back building all day long.
I'm going to miss throwing things down the hallway at each other.
I'm going to miss getting in trouble for not using the intercom.

I'm going to miss Sonic happy hour being right across the street.
I'm going to miss timing lunch breaks correctly so we could goof off in pairs.
I'm going to miss running off new people that we don't like.
I'm going to miss the conspiracies.

I'm going to miss feeling safe and comfortable.
I'm going to miss being real.
I'm going to miss being read as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm going to miss the freedom to cry.

I'm not a leaver. I've been left too many times to ever be a leaver. I didn't want to run away. And I'm not. I'm moving on. I wish it wouldn't have played out like this, but half of me is glad that it happened so quickly. I knew it was a sign when we got the phone calls within five seconds of each other. I'm so glad we had the same last day. I couldn't have planned it better myself.

I never thought I'd quit a job to save a relationship. I didn't even notice that's what you were asking me to do. I'm glad I listened this time. I thought you were crazy, I thought you were against me, but you were looking out for me and didn't want anyone to know. I knew you were better than that. I knew you wouldn't turn on me.

I walked out the front door for the last time thirty minutes earlier than I ever did. I walked out laughing. That's when I knew I was doing the right thing. On Monday I start over. On Monday I'm on my own. I'm going to be fine. You taught me everything I know. You made me a survivor.

I will survive.

Go

Four months ago:

I asked God whether I should stay or go. He said go.

But I wasn't paying attention. He never said where.

Two months ago:

I'm told that I can't go where I wanted to go.

But I thought I was supposed to go. What now, God?
You weren't paying attention. I told you to go, but I didn't tell you where.

Three days ago:

"I don't want to stay here after you go."
"Where are you going to go?"
"I don't know, but I don't want to stay."
"The hardest thing for you to do would be to stay. That's why I think you should stay."

God, I thought I was supposed to go. Do You want me to stay?
No. I told you to go. I just didn't tell you where to go. I'll tell you. You don't have to stay. You are supposed to go. Just wait. I'll tell you where to go.

Today:

9 am: "Joy, we'd love to have you take this job. We're just as great over here as it is over there."

Wait. Did she just offer me a job? But I love my job. Don't I? For the next month at least...

11 am: "We've cut your hours. You don't need to come in today. Hopefully this is temporary."

What is going on?

11:30 am: "She offered me that job this morning. I need to know if I should take it. I need to know if it's going to get any better or if I should take it."

"I don't want you to leave. But you need to do what's best for you."

Seriously, God? I didn't want to go right now. I wanted to go in a month. Please don't make me go yet. Please. Why didn't she fight for me? What happened? Why did it change? Why couldn't things stay the way they were? Why?

I don't want to take this job. Is this really where You wanted me to go?

Silence.

-----------------------------------------

I got a job offer today. I hate job offers. I really hate job offers when my current job is unsure and I know everything is about to change. I have no idea what to do. I didn't want a job offer right now, I wanted one in October.

It broke my heart. I cried all day. Fear of the unknown. Hatred of change. Feeling out of control.

Not the way I like to live.

Angry

I find it odd that the emotion that caused me to stop going to church five months ago is the exact same emotion that drove me back to church this weekend. I didn't know that the two extremes of this emotion would send me two opposite directions. It is one of the most powerful, controlling emotions that we ever deal with. That emotion is anger.

I was angry this past spring. Angry at my pastor for hurting me so deeply. Angry at the people of the church for not being as real as I thought they were. Angry at God for the things He took away from me. Angry at the people in my life for not being what I needed them to be. Angry at myself that my life wasn't turning out the way I wanted it to.

My anger grew as the seasons turned. The hotter it got outside, the hotter I became on the inside. I was angry that even though I walked away, no one had come after me. I was angry that no one tried to stop me from making the decisions I was making, especially if they were wrong. I was mad that no one was asking questions anymore. I got even more angry at God, because I didn't know how to talk to Him anymore. He was gone. He didn't come after me, either. I was just. so. angry.

But recently, the anger has changed. Now I'm angry at myself for believing the lies I was told. I'm angry that I thought there was only one "right" way to live, because I don't know if that is the truth. I'm angry that I no longer know what's true. I'm angry that I'm having such a good time living this way, because I thought it was supposed to make me miserable and it hasn't. I don't understand anymore, and I don't know where to find the answers. I'm still so angry.

So tonight, the anger drove me back to where it began. Back to the God who gave me the ability to feel this emotion. Were my questions answered? No. Did I find the truth? No. I didn't really find much of anything. So why am I writing about it? To share what I do know.

God doesn't change, even when we do. God doesn't walk away, even when we do. God doesn't stop speaking to us, even when we stand in silence before Him. God gave us the capabilities to ask questions, and somewhere out there He left the answers.

So tonight, I could still hear Him whisper. I could still hear Him say "I love you" and "I'm waiting for you". I found out that He is still right in front of me, no matter how far or how fast I run away. And tonight, that's enough for me.

I'm searching for the truth. I know it's out there somewhere. Pray for me? Thanks.

Missing

One of my favorite things about God is that He often gives us gifts that we never would have expected. There have been times in my life that God has given me something that I had no idea I needed until after I got it, and by then I was sure that I never could have lived without it. These things are special because I didn't know they were missing until they suddenly were there. I didn't know I needed them, but He did. These things are usually people. You are a great example of that. I could think of a few more, too. But today, I am especially grateful for YOU. You are one of these gifts, and I would not be who I am today if you hadn't of been here.

Because of you, I have finally figured out who I am. When I forget, you tell me. You are a brutally honest person, even more so than me, but you learned quickly that you can't say things that hurt until I trust you. You know how sensitive I really am, but you also know that I know how to be tough, too. You know how hard it is for me to trust, and you are patient when I change my mind over and over again about trusting you. You just wait patiently for me to realize that you haven't gone anywhere, and you probably never will.

You saw through me long before I knew you did, only because you once were me. That's why you want the best for me. You make me see exactly what I am capable of, and you won't let me settle for anything less even if I want to. You push. Often I push back, but you don't back down.

You let me whine and be a baby when I need to be, and you take care of me better than anyone else ever has. I think it's because you know that I can take care of myself, but sometimes I just don't want to. And you truly don't mind doing it for me. Our co-workers think I'm spoiled. You know I am, and you don't care.

I love spending time with you, no matter what we're doing. I love coming over to your house, because it is safe and comfortable and nothing harmful can reach me out there. I love that you know how important it is to me that you pay attention to me sometimes. I love that we can read each other like books, and I love that it confuses and frustrates everyone around us. I love long lunches and late work days with you. Even if we can't act like we're friends at work. I love that you know how important it is to me to be touched, and that even though it makes you feel claustrophobic you will reach over and touch me to comfort me when I need it. You know that a touch forgives a harsh word and calms an anxious mind. You know.

You've taught me how to act, and I've taught you how to talk. You know that talking fixes things for me, and so you pry my real feelings out of me. You force me to communicate. And I make you talk about how you feel. We trust each others' words, and that is more valuable than anything else.

You make me be the best me that there is. You make me be a grown-up, but you don't leave me to figure out how to do that on my own. You push me, and you know that I don't really hate you for it, even though I say that I do. You want great things for me, and you are helping me get them. We conspire often to achieve the things we want the way we want them, and it always works. I love that. It makes me laugh. If only they really knew the things we were up to...

I love you. I tell you this often, but I mean it with all my heart. I wouldn't be who I am without you, and what I love the most is that I didn't even know I was missing you until suddenly you were there. And now I couldn't imagine living without you. Weird how that works, huh?

Moment of Eternity

Five years.
It's been five years.
Five years, and no matter what they say, it doesn't get any easier.
Five years, and my life has been turned upside down so many times I have lost count.
One single moment, between four and six in the morning, has changed everything about the last five years.
Five years is an eternity, and it is yesterday, all at the same time.
Five years and I don't miss you any less or forget you aren't here, ever.
In five years I have tried to live without you; it is just something that has to be done.
Five years later I am twenty-two years old, and finally learning what it looks like to grow up. Alone. Without you.
Everyday of the last five years I have thought of you. Everyday.
I can't believe it has been five years...