Forgive Regret...

I am grateful for second chances. They are good for starting over and they are good for trying to do things right, or better, the second time. The other night I sat in church and talked to Jesus for a little bit about learning to forgive myself. I just recently realized that though I tend to be bitter towards people who hurt me or others, I am actually way more unforgiving towards myself. I have done a lot of screwing up in the last few years, and again, I am grateful for second chances. I am learning to start again with how I live my life and how I love God and others.

I still have a problem, though. As much as I am glad for second chances, sometimes I still wish I could take my first chance over again. Mostly in the area of my relationships with other people. I have approached the friendships I have formed in the last few years with a slightly (very) jaded point of view. I haven't had healthy relationships because I didn't know what that meant. And that has left me now with much guilt and regret over how I have treated the people I love the most over the past few years. I wish very much that I could meet all of them all over again, and love them and be loved by them in a healthy, constructive way. God blessed me with great people, but I had no idea how to love and appreciate them the right way until now.

Unfortunately, my first chances are over. I must burn my bridges and let things collapse inside myself that I have been trying to hold up on my own strength for way too long. My hope is that maybe I can rebuild some of what I tear down on a newer, stronger foundation. This has already happened a few times, and these are the relationships that are sweetest to my soul. But if I can't repair the relationships that have crumbled, then I will clear the space to be filled with new things and new people. To be filled with second chances.

I am very happy with the person I am now becoming. I am surprising myself at the goodness I am finding within, but I know that every ounce of it is coming from Him. I will keep learning, and I will keep growing. I will keep taking my second chances, and use them to become who I want to be. I will learn to forgive myself, and I will learn to let my heart be softer. I thank God every day for the oppourtunity to start over. I just hope I can do it better this time...