Remember to Breathe Part 1: You Are Stronger Than You Think

I was laying on the couch in the sunshine, listening to both the baby monitor and the distant sounds coming through the open window. It was a gorgeous day, but despite the warm breeze blowing in, my own fear was causing me to shiver. I knew it was coming, I felt it deep inside of me, and there was little I could do to prevent it.

Sure enough, a few seconds later I both felt and heard a shift inside of my body. My breathing became more labored before I had time to think about trying to control it. I began talking to myself, trying to remember to breathe in, breathe out, but it wasn't more than a few breaths later that the fear took over. I no longer had control of how quickly I was breathing, and I was pretty sure that the room was caving in around me. Everything started to go fuzzy, and tears began to stream down my face. Breathe in, Breathe out. I kept thinking about how sorry I was, and yet how I would have to suffer my consequences anyways, and that really wasn't helping. In the midst of the panic, I suddenly wondered if I would survive this one. Breathe in, Breathe out. I wasn't getting air. I leaned forward so I wouldn't fall off the couch when it all went dark.

It ran through my mind who I could call to calm me down, but by that point I couldn't see where the phone was. Breathe in, Breathe out. What if Benjamin wakes up? I can't take care of him right now. God, please let that baby keep sleeping. There has got to be a way out of this. God, please save me this time. Breathe in, Breathe out. I got dizzier, and the fuzz around the edges of the light came together in the middle. I stopped breathing. My heart felt like it might burst. I felt like it might not end this time. I fell forward. It went dark.

I don't know how long it lasted, and I don't know how long it was dark. When I opened my eyes and laid back down on my back, I was ok. My breathing had returned to normal, and I knew that I had survived another one. I don't know how many more there will be before it is finished. I'm just trying to hold on. One day at a time, one hour at a time, one moment at a time. I'm holding fast to the hope that I am stronger than it, and that I can beat it. I can do this. I can. Breathe in, Breathe out.