Black as Sin

"Sin is like ink, it bleeds into a person, coloring, making you someone other than you used to be. And it's indelible. Try as much as you want, you cannot get yourself back."

-Jodi Picoult Perfect Match

Quote of the Day

We stood outside in the dark and looked up at the stars. She chattered for a while, like she always does when she drinks. She chatters, and my thoughts get serious. As soon as she got quiet, I spoke.

"What happened to me?"

"What do you mean?"

"Suddenly I find myself standing in the yard with a beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other, and I have to ask, 'Who the hell am I?'"

And she laughed. And after a moment, so did I.

A Matter of Opinion

[laying on the floor in our boss's office, hiding on our lunch breaks]

me: "Am I crazy?"
her: "Just a little. But it's ok. Most of us are a little crazy."

(silence for a few moments)

me: "Am I TOO crazy?"
her: "No. You're just a little over the top."
me: "How do you not be a little over the top? Because I don't like that."
her: "You take what God dishes out to you, and you deal with it. You don't ask questions, you just do what is asked of you. You decide to be happy with what you're given."

[rewind a few days. sitting on my couch talking on the phone.]

me: "I'm just not happy."
her (a different her): "Happiness isn't about circumstances. Happiness is a choice."

Today, I am satisfied. Happiness isn't something that happens overnight, I am convinced, but I am starting to believe that we create our own happiness. I'm tired of waiting to be happy, when I have discovered that I can be happy as soon as I choose to be. So today, I am satisfied. And that is enough for me to make it until tomorrow.

Song For Today

Violet eyes, white cloud skies
She was plainly ordinary
No silver wings, no big dreams
She never bothered anybody

No gamble, no risk
No clenching her fist
When you close your eyes
It won’t help you forget…

One day more or less
One more longing envy, for greener grass
Anything to please fill this hole in me.

Wounded soul, no home to go to
But really nothing so unusual
She learns to deal, and maybe not to feel
And leaves the light on while she’s sleeping

No gamble, no risk
No clenching her fist
When you close your eyes
It won’t help you forget…

One day more or less
One more longing envy, for greener grass
Anything to please

Is there more than breathing
Or motionless hoping for…

Kindred ties, orphan lies
Easier to run than reconcile
Mountain highs, cursed nights
When you run, you drag it all behind…

No gamble, no risk
No clenching her fist
When you close your eyes
It won’t help you forget…

One day more or less
One more longing envy, for greener grass
Anything to please fill this hole in me.

-Sandra McCracken Violet Eyes

The Night My Heart Stopped

[Note: I found out today that wounds can't heal until you remember where they came from. I have managed to repress most of the memories from the first 20 years of my life, and when I asked Jesus to heal me, He caused me to start remembering the roots of most of my pain. Often I am struck down by sudden flashbacks, and often they take my breath away. I want to start talking about them. Starting today.]

I remember the night that my heart stopped beating. I remember that I came home not very late that night, and no one was home. I plugged my phone into the wall in the kitchen so that I could still hear it from the computer if it rang. I don't remember how long I had been sitting there when it rang, but I'll never forget what the person on the other end said.

"The doctor said that you need to come to the hospital tonight. Call one of your friends to bring you."
"It's late. I can drive myself, dad."
"No, you can't. I don't want you to drive."
"Why not?"
"The doctor said that your mom is going to die tonight."
"...what?"

I remember catching my breath, but not missing a beat. This was the moment God had told me had been coming, and I thought I was ready.

I remember Crystal walking into my back door a few seconds later, saying that she had a "feeling" that she should come over. I don't remember what we talked about when we drove. I remember getting there, and I remember finding her room. It was a route I could still walk with my eyes closed.

I remember walking in, and I remember seeing here there. Asleep. And I remember that she didn't wake up. I remember freaking out because I didn't know if she could hear me. I remember becoming hysterical, and I remember my dad holding me down through his tears. I remember that I didn't cry. I had forgotten how months ago. Inside, though, my heart stopped when I saw her there. She didn't wake up, and I didn't say goodbye.

I remember calling Katie, and I remember her asking if there was anything she could do. I told her that I wanted her there, and like the good friend she was, she came.

I remember Katie taking me home with her a few hours later, and I remember her putting me to bed in her house. I remember that sleep remained elusive, haunting me from the dark corners until Ruth came to sit beside me in the morning. I remember knowing as soon as the sun rose what that day would hold.

Everything froze in time that day. The day after my heart stopped beating.

Mornings Good and Good Mornings

I rolled over and pulled the phone out from under my pillow when I heard loud footsteps on the stairs. It was 5:57am. I started to count, and at nine, he busted through the door whispering my name. He had something important to say (don't all 4-year-olds?). I convinced him to get in my bed and I played dead for almost 15 minutes by only giving a "uh-huh" or "uh-uh" when necessary. He let me get away with it.

At 6:17 I heard my baby cry, and I stumbled out of bed with Blaine at my heels. When I walked through the door he stopped crying and smiled, and yelled a delighted "JOO-WEE!" (his version of my name). It made my heart smile. I picked him up out of the crib, and he wrapped his arms around my neck and laid his head on my shoulder. I breathed the sweet baby smell in his shoulder, and he stuck his chubby little hands into my hair. I will never get tired of the feeling of his hands in my hair when he lays on my shoulder. I hope if I have children that they do that, too.

I took them to the nearest tv, and then decided to enjoy my last hour before work with them both on top of me. I forgot how sweet they are first thing in the morning. I forgot how much I missed them. I forget how protective I am of my babies, and I forgot how much I am loved by two very innocent hearts.

It did my heart good. It was what made my mornings good. It gave me the hope and the beauty to KNOW. To know that I mattered to someone. To two someones. To know that all I had to do to get an "I love you" was wake up in the morning. To know that hugs and kisses live right down the street. To know, without a doubt, that I was loved. Even if it was only by someone so little. I was loved, for doing nothing at all but loving back.

And that. Felt. Wonderful.

I (Don't) Like

I Don't like:
-the headache I get when I don't have my morning coffee
-the days that I have no desire to get out of bed
-when the dog wakes me up too early and I can't go back to sleep
-waking up in the middle of the night and my thoughts keep me awake
-being tossed around at work (who knew I would appreciate my own classroom?)
-when I can't calm one of my babies down
-being so lost in thought that I don't do my job well
-having to go home from work, alone
-spending the weekends not at work, alone
-feeling alone
-having to wonder if anyone cares
-wondering if I was ever happy (was I really not?)
-remembering what it was like to be surrounded by friends because I want it back
-having to fake it
-not knowing where I'll be a year from now (or even a month)
-how fiercely I crave human contact sometimes
-not knowing if I'm still loved
-not knowing how to talk to God anymore
-transitions
-change

I Like:
-watching the sun set from my back deck (I live on a hill, it's gorgeous)
-being ok with spending time alone
-sleeping late
-working half-days
-when someone else made the coffee already
-having a super easy day at work
-hanging out with work friends outside of work
-laughing so hard that it's difficult to breathe (usually at work)
-receiving wisdom and truth, even when it's hard to hear
-trusting (it's so hard!)
-serious text conversations (the easiest way to have them, in my opinion)
-how easy it is to escape into a book
-realizing that I'm running away in time to stop and turn around
-when God whispers to me
-the kind of love that makes you want to give it away
-knowing that I'm going to be ok, knowing that I control how I feel, knowing that my life is only as good as I make it, and knowing that I can start over at any given moment
-GRACE

(Not) Alone

"For many months I prayed that God would give you friends there. But then I realized that it's not about where you are. Because maybe you think it's because you are there, but I'm here and I don't really have friends anymore either. It's just important that you have other people period. And maybe sometimes we don't because we're not supposed to. I don't really know. I just know that it sucks being alone. And that you aren't alone in being alone. No matter where you are."
-from a text conversation I had today with a far away friend

Sometimes the most comforting thing you could possibly receive is the knowledge that you are not alone. Even if what you are not alone in is being alone. It was unexpected, but so very needed. It gives me enough to want to try again tomorrow.

Because sometimes all we need is the smallest good thing.

Unraveled

You told me that I would walk away from You at least one more time.
I didn't know it would be so soon.

You unraveled the seams that held my heart together, and everything that was inside came spilling out. It was so very ugly to look upon. I revealed all of the unpleasantries, and it hurts me now to know that another knows just how ugly I was on the inside. It makes me want to hide.

I was so angry with You for taking what I swore was mine, and I was angry that You thought You knew better than I did what was best for me. You gave back to me all that was lost, and that only confused me more.

Now I don't know what to say to You. I'm not talking to You, but You knew I wouldn't. I'm not even sure I want You to talk to me. If I knew what to say, or even that You might even still care to listen, maybe I would tell you how I feel. But I don't.

You've seen the depths of my heart. You created them. You knew that I would think You would no longer want me after that. No one else does. Why would You?

I've made it alright on my own for a few weeks, and that scares me. I wanted to need You. I wanted You to want me. What's missing? It's not even bothering me.

I'm sorry I was angry. I'm sorry I was bitter. All the ugly is out now; it's been seen. All that's left is empty space. Holes that sit unfilled. There was no good in my heart. I wish there would have been. At least I know the truth now.

Sew it back up, please. And fill it with something better.

What She Didn't Tell Me

I remember the cold January night that my mom was diagnosed with cancer for the second time. I remember standing behind her at the sink while she washed the dinner dishes, and I will never forget what she said. She told me that she wasn't ready to die yet because her kids weren't done being raised. I remember it breaking my heart. Maybe it still does.

I remember the morning after she went to the hospital to die 3 1/2 years later. I remember sitting on the end of the hospital bed and telling her that it was ok to go, that her kids were done being raised, and I remember wondering if she could hear me.

Now I wonder if maybe I was wrong. If maybe, at the age of 17, I wasn't near being done needing someone to raise me. I've tried for so long to do a good enough job raising myself, and now I've realized that for five years I've been constantly searching for someone to finish raising me. Now I wonder if maybe I'm ready to give that up. If maybe I'm ready to GROW up.

For a few weeks now I've been on the brink of a huge decision. I've tried not to ask anyone what they think I should do, because I want to make this decision on my own. I want to be a grown-up, for once, and I want to know that I am capable of making a big decision on my own.

Last night a friend told me that part of growing up is no longer thinking that it is selfish to do what makes you happy, even if it makes someone else unhappy. She said that I should follow my heart, and I would know what to do. I told her that I was afraid of making mistakes, and she reminded me that mistakes make you who you are. All of these thoughts have made me more capable of thinking of taking the leap that I fear.

I hope, beyond anything else, that my mother would be proud of me. I hope that I make the kinds of decisions that wouldn't disappoint her the way they often disappoint my dad. I am confident that she has sent all the surrogate mothers (and big sisters!) that have crossed my path since she left me, to help guide me and teach me the things that she didn't have time to teach me. I hope I'm doing a good enough job at growing up.

I'm finally ready to grow up. It's not running away anymore. It's moving on. And I'm embracing it.

Three Seconds

I had some interesting conversations today. I'll blame it on the weather.

Me- "Hey Rach, you know those first three seconds after you first wake up in the morning, when you forget what you were crying about when you fell asleep, and everything is perfectly ok for a whole three seconds?"

Rachel-"Yeah. I know what you mean."

Me-"That's my favorite time of day. Those three seconds."

My closest friend at work told me I looked like hell when I walked in this morning. An hour later, she left me to a whole day at work alone again. Two hours later I texted her and told her that I didn't want her to go home today. I needed her to solve all of the world's problems for me.

Jen-"What happened?"

Me-"You know those days when you feel like you don't have anything or anyone left? And there isn't anything good left in your life? Those days happen. Today might be one of those days."

Jen-"You gotta stop emphasizing the bad stuff. Focus on the good stuff. I know a lot of bad stuff has happened to you, but you gotta think about the positive. When you switch that shit around, it'll change you."

Me-"But the bad stuff always seems so much bigger than the good stuff."

Jen-"That's because the bad stuff causes more stress. Make a bigger deal out of the good stuff. Treat yourself to stuff. I want to see you happy."

And finally, a text on my way home tonight, after going shopping and having dinner with a friend from work.

Me to Jen- "Life is so much more tolerable when you have friends that make you laugh."

Yes, yes it is. I'll thank God for the good stuff. Even when it only lasts three seconds.

[untitled]

Tears in a bottle and wounds that are sore
No one beside you to battle your war
But I cannont rescue your heart from the empty
I must release you, for I've given plenty
-Sandra McCracken "Plenty"

In Case I Never Told You...

You.
I don't think you have any idea how much I worry about you.

The clock read 5:25am on my dashboard when I got in the car to drive home.
It was pouring rain, and I worried all night about whether you could drive in the rain.
Yes, I worried all night long. You said you'd be home at ten.
Where were you?
Do I even want to know?

I found the hundred dollars you left on the stairs on my way out.
You've always thought you could pay me off when you treated me badly.
It's always worked.
That one is my fault.

He woke up at four, and he wanted to know if you were there yet.
I crawled in bed with him.
Like you used to.
You crawled into the warm spot I left you when you got there.
Like I used to.
How many more times am I going to have to make your excuses to him?
How many more times are we going to switch places next to his warm sleeping body?
He didn't know it was morning.
He never does.

I love you, and I hate that your life didn't turn out the way you wanted it to.
Good news, it's not over.
I'm sorry he made you feel less than what you are; you're worth so much more than that.
He left you the two best things he ever gave you.
They adore you.

I adore you.
You're gonna make it.
Don't run away.
You can do this.
Don't give them up.
They need you.
I can't raise them anymore.
That's your job.
And you're good at it.

It's going to be okay. Four more days, and it's going to be over. I'll be right here. I told you I wouldn't leave you until it was over. I'm still here. Just keep hanging on, okay?

When you call me tomorrow, I'll pretend like it never happened.
I'll let you get away with it, one last time.
But then it's time to move on.
It's time to heal.
It's time to let go.

You can do it.
I believe in you.