The Night My Heart Stopped

[Note: I found out today that wounds can't heal until you remember where they came from. I have managed to repress most of the memories from the first 20 years of my life, and when I asked Jesus to heal me, He caused me to start remembering the roots of most of my pain. Often I am struck down by sudden flashbacks, and often they take my breath away. I want to start talking about them. Starting today.]

I remember the night that my heart stopped beating. I remember that I came home not very late that night, and no one was home. I plugged my phone into the wall in the kitchen so that I could still hear it from the computer if it rang. I don't remember how long I had been sitting there when it rang, but I'll never forget what the person on the other end said.

"The doctor said that you need to come to the hospital tonight. Call one of your friends to bring you."
"It's late. I can drive myself, dad."
"No, you can't. I don't want you to drive."
"Why not?"
"The doctor said that your mom is going to die tonight."
"...what?"

I remember catching my breath, but not missing a beat. This was the moment God had told me had been coming, and I thought I was ready.

I remember Crystal walking into my back door a few seconds later, saying that she had a "feeling" that she should come over. I don't remember what we talked about when we drove. I remember getting there, and I remember finding her room. It was a route I could still walk with my eyes closed.

I remember walking in, and I remember seeing here there. Asleep. And I remember that she didn't wake up. I remember freaking out because I didn't know if she could hear me. I remember becoming hysterical, and I remember my dad holding me down through his tears. I remember that I didn't cry. I had forgotten how months ago. Inside, though, my heart stopped when I saw her there. She didn't wake up, and I didn't say goodbye.

I remember calling Katie, and I remember her asking if there was anything she could do. I told her that I wanted her there, and like the good friend she was, she came.

I remember Katie taking me home with her a few hours later, and I remember her putting me to bed in her house. I remember that sleep remained elusive, haunting me from the dark corners until Ruth came to sit beside me in the morning. I remember knowing as soon as the sun rose what that day would hold.

Everything froze in time that day. The day after my heart stopped beating.