The Dangers of Silent Pain Control

I have trouble tolerating pain. And I'm not talking about the physical something-hurts kind of pain. I tolerate that quite well. That should be obvious from the tattoo on my foot that I say hurt "in a good way". I'm talking about emotional pain...the kind that makes your heart hurt and that makes it a little bit harder to breathe. The kind of pain we all go to great lengths to stay one step ahead of and avoid dealing with.

I've spent a few good years of my life running and hiding from pain. I both avoid and bury it quite well. But the older I get, the more I realize how powerful pain can be in shaping who we are and the way our stories play out. I'm realizing that often the pain that life sometimes brings us is worth it because we grow within ourselves in order to come out on the other side.

Where I struggle most, though, is believing that there are good, constructive ways to handle pain other than running from it. I will openly admit to the fact that I practice some very wrong (not to mention scary) methods of pain control. I just can't seem to find a way to deal with my pain in a way that will convince me that it will end. I can't find a way to deal with what hurts because I'm afraid that I wouldn't survive going through what it takes to heal. Pain is easy to escape. It's easy to bury. So how do we deal? How do we stand in the midst of it and not fall down?

I have yet to accomplish this. I don't have answers to these questions. I just know that sometimes it hurts, and sometimes I escape. I know that I don't want to keep falling down, worried that I won't be able to get back up. I know that God heals, and I know there has GOT to be a better way to handle hurt than the ways I fall into. I know that running isn't the answer, and that everything we bury alive will have to be dug back up eventually. This is what I do know. The rest I will keep searching for, if I don't get lost somewhere on this journey. I have hope that the answers are held somewhere, and that there better ways of dealing with pain. I just can't find them right now.

[postscript: this is what happens in my head after four hours in a quiet car. it is also where my thoughts often wander at 2:30 in the morning. please excuse my vulnerability and honesty. and please don't judge. i'm just human.]